Zac Riff

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Ems' Awesomeness


Section heading
Zacchaeus Riff

Second half—7:30

[Fat ass on branch]

Joe: Twerk it. TWERK IT.

[Peeking out through the leaves]

Emma: God, they keep having to call in the fire truck for this guy



[Jesus sashaying down the drab landscape]



Joe: Barabas didn't have this  swag 



[Dude in tree's head back in view]



Emma:  NOW we know how he ended up with the beehive.



[Jesus reflected in dude's eye]



Emma:  “I see, the only way to escape you is death”



[Praise to be to you, my Lord and my God!]



Joe:  Try to spot the disciple playing the synthesizer



Emma:  You know, red was the perfect choice of attire if he keeps rubbing himself on that bark like that



Joe:  Hey, supposing he were to revolve around the branch and drop to his doom, would that make him a Red, Dead Revolver

<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">

<p style="text-decoration: none">''Why is he stopping? I dunno. Let's see.''

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Jesus opens his eyes really creepily]

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Emma:  Brother Vinnie there pulled the string at Christ's back

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Joe:  I can see the holy wings of the dove in his eyebrows

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<p style="text-decoration: none">''ZeKEEus. ''

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[ZeKEEus starts shining]

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Emma:  Forsooth! Jesus is granting him a metabolism!

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Joe:  [immature giggling]

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Emma:  Good, yes, no more speaking lines out of him

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<p style="text-decoration: none">''ZeKEEus. Come down quickly. For today, I must stay at your house.''

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Joe:  “You wanna take my tree from me!?”

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Emma:  [as little girl] “He's so VIRILE. Look at those forearms”

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Joe:  “Yeah, not like that effete Jesus. Let's follow the guy who climbs trees for fun!”

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Emma:  [as Jesus] “You know Scripture says your   body   is like a house...”

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<p style="text-decoration: none">You too are a descendant of Abraham.

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[obsequious tears]

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Joe:  “And I'd like to thank the Academy...”

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Jesus mindrapes him]

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Emma:  Mindrape a-go-go!

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Joe:  “Aw yeah, eat of my body, MMM”

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Emma:  Jesus, the supernatural origin of duckface

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<p style="text-decoration: none">''What's this? Welcome to my house, oh lord. It's a great pleasure that you are coming to my HAWSE.''

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[giggling]

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Joe:  “And there'll be third comings, and fourth comings...”

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[little girl]

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Emma:  “Homosexuality is AWESOME”

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<p style="text-decoration: none">How hard is it for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of god?

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Joe:  Spare some wealth for acting lessons, my man

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<p style="text-decoration: none">''But once I met Jesus, everything changed in my life. What is impossible for human beings, is possible for God.''

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Emma:  [robotic] “I used to be a tax collector, now life has changed. Now I pass collection plate.”

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<p style="text-decoration: none">''Praise be to you our lord and our blah. It's blah blah blah house.''

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Joe:  “I LOOK like House.”

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Emma:  [giggling] What the fuck did they spike in his morning fig juice

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Jesus looks at surroundings, then at viewer dumbly]

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Joe:  [giggling]

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<p style="text-decoration: none">''How can he act like this? He is going to be a guest of one who is a sinner!''

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Joe:  “Okay, this is how we take Prussia.”

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Emma:  I feel like we're stuck in a hidden object game

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Joe:  The tension is killing me, when does he start eating everyone?

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<p style="text-decoration: none">''ZeKEEus, no servant can serve two masters, You will either hate one and love the other, or devote yourself to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.''

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Emma:  “Your first task is to supply funding for our next megachurch. Lose the beard, you remind The Base of Osama.”

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Joe:  Jesus will teach him to serve the only legitimate masters, cock and balls

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Emma:  He's going to dissolve all his money through ceaselessly blubbering over it

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Joe:  I'm just waiting for the perfect epiphany where his scalp explodes like a volcano

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Emma:  Thankfully, Jesus made an exception to the “give the shirt off your back” rule in this one case.

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[audience of brazenly copypasted people]

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Joe:  And the clip-art clones MULTIPLY

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Emma:  Man did it not take long for the inbreeding to kick in

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Flashback sequence]

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Joe:  Jesus Is My Botox: The Incredible True Story

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Emma:  Starring Brian Blessed as Zacchaeus, and Steve Buscemi as Jesus

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Joe:  I feel like the animators farmed the work to a pool of elementary school kids doing up their coloring books

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[I am sorry for what I have done]

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Joe:  “I'm sorry, I don't see DOLLAR BILLS coming out of that big fucking mouth.”

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Trinket received]

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Emma:  “What the fuck is this, shit ain't good enough to hang off my doorknob.”

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Joe:  I don't know what's possessing Zacchaeus's forehead muscles but it's not of   heavenly   origin

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Emma:  And the whole district was rendered without speech when the voice actors peeked into their envelopes and saw their comp

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Please, take this! I am sorry.]

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Joe:  “Awesome, always wanted to be a tax collector!”

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[audience shot]

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Emma:  Don't these guys have   jobs   or...?

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[This is TRULY an eternal happiness!]

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">Gigglefit

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Yes, what is impossible for human beings, is possible for god!]

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Joe:  And God can be yours if the Price Is Right!

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[child's strange simian arms]

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Emma:  Invisible guardrails

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Please give us something to eat. Come and take anything from my house!]

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Joe:  Beeline for the absinthe

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Emma:  “But sir, what about the meth coating literally everything?”

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Lord, I will give half of my possessions to the poor. I will blah blah pay back four times as much.]

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Joe:  “Great, now I have to die   four times   for your shitty fucking sins just to keep on top.”

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Emma:  Where do I get in line to get defrauded by him?

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Joe:  Perhaps you can construct an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine that makes it so that every time Zacchaeus causes a mini-brush fire on his pubes rubbing himself against a tree branch, it causes a chain reaction that flings a dollar in your pocket into his unwitting hands, thereby forcing him to pay you back 4 dollars.

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Emma:  That sounds like a lot of effort. Why don't I just rob his bloody form?

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Joe:  Doesn't janking his shit just make them all greedy little imps

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Emma:  Maybe they can finally find the cure to their chronic epidemic of Neck Immobility

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Today, salvation has come to this house. Because blah blah son of man blah blah save the lost]

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Joe:  “What about the Son of Sam?”

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Emma:  “Yeah huh, when do we get more gold shittoons?”

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Praise be to you, my lord and my god, I am now wealthier! You are now my wealth, my lord and my god!]

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Joe;  “I get that a lot.”

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Emma:  “Now Zacchaeus, are you ready for your   makeover   ?”

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<p style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none">[Seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness. Blah blah new world a new Jerusalem]

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<p style="font-style: normal"> Joe: A new solar system, a new plague of strife, a new CAR