The Holy See

JIS
I like how the front page has two separate links to the same article ("Bowing Down to Mary Is a Sin") within the same list. But then, every article in JIS.com is virtually the same.

Ems: Seen one JIS, seen 'em all.

Anyway, here's the page that caught my eye:

http://jesus-is-savior.com/False%20Religions/Roman%20Catholicism/vatican_approves_witchcraft.htm

DJS briefly excoriates a small Chicago Sun-Times article from 2003, named "Vatican: Potter's Magic OK."

Ems: ugh, enough with Harry Potter already!


 * [[Is it any wonder that the largest Satanic religion in the world endorses witchcraft? Not at all. Satan is hard at work friend, never needing a rest; never taking a vacation. The fact that the Roman Catholic Religion endorses witchcraft should settle any previous doubts in your mind as to the legitimacy of the Catholic Church. The Catholic religion is a fraud, an imposter, damning the untold souls of billions to a Godless eternity in the depths of the lake of fire. ...


 * Harry Potter is nothing short of wickedness, rebellion against God Almighty.]]

In DJS Land, counting to ten before tossing all works of fantasy fiction alongside a nuclear reactor into an active volcano is exactly the same as "endorsing witchcraft." The evangelical hatred for Harry Potter would be baffling if it weren't so transparently an attempt to weed out anything that might expand a kid's mind. They might develop their bullshit detector, can't have that.

Joe: "Sorry, Mommy, I'm a minion of darkness now because I read the word 'bad.'"

Ems (in American accent): "Honey, I told you not to go to that Scholastic Fair! Now how rabid would you like the wolves (? SHE BEARS) to be?"

Joe: "Not too rabid, they need to eat me slowly since I deserve at least a little torture on Earth before Satan snatches me up!"

WILD ANIMAL EATING CHILD NOISES


 * [[ God is the ONLY source of power in this universe . The devil, as well as all human government, receive their power from God alone. Nothing can happen in this universe without God's permission. We are commanded in the Scriptures to submit to the highest power--God.

Sadly, children are NOT being taught about the power of God. Children are being taught through Harry Potter about the power of witchcraft, sorcery and spells... literal Satanic practices. It's not just clean fun.

So, does he believe those spells work in real life, or not? Either way, what's the problem? If they don't work, then the kids are just harmlessly spouting silly words. If they do work, they were invested with power by God; after all, nothing can happen in the universe without God's permission.

Also, what exactly is the distinction between miracles and sorceries? If God taps a swamp (Ems: or an ass) and plays Raise Dead (Ems: or raise somethin' else), it's perfectly fine, but if Satan does it, it's unholy? Well, I'm sure I'm safe as long as I know which deity I'm invoking, it's not like the Almighty God lets Satan deceive people or anything

The names of real devils are mentioned in the Harry Potter books. Satanism is glorified, Christ is diminished. Just as the Catholic religion has diminished Jesus Christ to nothing by replacing Him with Mary, so has Harry Potter's author replaced God with Satanic powers.

Oh what fun we will have with this paragraph.

RING-GING

JKR: Hello, yes hi, Catholic Church?

''Catholic Church: Well if it isn't my favorite ILLUMINATI SKULL AND BONES NEW WORLD ORDER poker buddy! How ya been, JK?''

''JKR: You're confusing me for Tolkien. I'm still waiting on my New World Order application. Also, I'm a woman.''

''Catholic Church: "Female," eh? Are you a priest?''

JKR: Unless Peter's unbroken line of priesthood is passed down via inappropriate touching, then no.

Catholic Church: Because if you were a priest with "the females," I'd have to shuffle you on over to another parish! It's something of an issue these days, but I thought I'd taken care of the "female" dilemma like twelve thousand years ago with the whole Mary worship deal.

JKR:' Well, I AM the mother witch of my coven of vile strumpets who wear business suits and carry briefcases, so I--

Catholic Church: Perfect! ''I'm hip with it. Hey, I ain't called the Great Whore for nothing, heh heh.''

''JKR: Good, good. All right, so, as you might have heard from THE ILLUMINATI BANKSTERS WHO CONTROL EVERYTHING, I was thinking of peppering my upcoming series of children's novels with as many devils' names as possible and deliberately encouraging young people to perform witchcraft. Just wondering whether or not the Vatican already has some monk tasked to write such a series between buggeries.''

''Catholic Church: Yes, but you have to make sure to couch all the SUBLIMINAL SAAATAN, SAAATAN with an engaging plot and lovable characters! Hey, I just had an idea. Maybe you could say some of the devils' names backwards.Otherwise it'd be too obvious! ''

<p style="line-height: 200%;">JKR: So I guess I can't name my main hero "Malebogia P. Jesus Fuck I'm Evil", and his loyal owl, "Kids Should Perform Witchcraft"?

<p style="line-height: 200%;">''Catholic Church: Depends. What does the P stand for?''

<p style="line-height: 200%;">JKR: Paedophile.

<p style="line-height: 200%;">Catholic Church: That might be crossing a line.

<p style="line-height: 200%;">JKR: What else can I do to glorify Satan?

<p style="line-height: 200%;">Catholic Church: Say in an interview that one of the good guys is gay.

<p style="line-height: 200%;">VERY DISTURBING INDEED

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">from Chapter 8 (starting at 6:09, to 7:42)

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">Friday was an important day for Harry and BEELZEBUB. They finally managed to find their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast without getting lost once.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">"What have we got today?" Harry asked BEELZEBUB as he poured sugar on his porridge.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">"Double Potions with the ANTI-CHRIST WORSHIPING Slytherins," said BEELEZEBUB. "Snape's Head of Slytherin House. They say he always favors them -- we'll be able to see if it's true AND THEN WE'LL STALK THE NIGHT CORRUPTING TODDLERS' INNOCENT MINDS WITH OUR UNWHOLESOME LIBERAL FILTH."

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">"Wish BAPHOMET favored us," said Harry.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">Professor BAPHOMET was head of Gryffindor House, but it hadn't stopped her from giving them a huge pile of homework the day before AND ALSO RAPING EACH ONE OF THEM WITH HER JEANS ON, AND DEMANDING THE READER CAST MAGIC SPELLS IN VENERATION OF SATAN.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">Just then, the mail arrived. Harry had gotten used to this by now, but it had given him a bit of a shock on the first morning, when about a hundred owls had suddenly streamed into the Great Hall during breakfast, circling the tables until they saw their owners, and dropping letters and packages onto their WILDLY MASTURBATING PREPUBESCENT WITCH PENISES AND VAGINAS.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">MESISTOPHELES hadn't brought Harry anything so far. She sometimes flew in to nibble his ear and have a bit of toast before going off to sleep in the owlery with the other school owls. This morning, however, she SCREAMED IN TONGUES ABOUT HOW LUCIFER IS THE TRUE PRINCE OF THIS WORLD AND fluttered down between the marmalade and the sugar bowl and dropped a note onto Harry's plate. Harry tore it open at once. It said, in a very untidy scrawl:

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">Dear Harry,

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">I know you get Friday afternoons off, so would you like to come and have a cup of tea with me around three?

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">I want to hear all about your first week. Send us an answer back with MESISTOPHELES.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">Hagrid

<p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">Harry borrowed BEELZEBUB's quill, scribbled Yes, please, see you later on the back of the note, and sent MESISTOPHELES off again. <p style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none">22:20, August 31, 2012 (UTC)~

<p style="line-height: 200%;">CAN YOU IMAGINE?

<p style="line-height: 200%;">DJS goes on to aver that most Satanic worship is "indirect," as people seek guidance from idols and sources of power besides Jayzuhsss. Which I guess is how the damn Vatican keeps openly "endorsing witchcraft" and getting away with it!

<p style="line-height: 200%;">Now what was the name of that monolithic Christian church that had all those witches tried and burned way back when? Ugh, I can't seem to remember. Dr. Emma, help me on this one.

<p style="line-height: 200%;">Ems: The Whore of Babylon, if I am not mistaken. AKA, Catholocism. As you said before Joe, everything only happens if God says so.

<p style="line-height: 200%;">Speaking of which, let's move on to another obviously God sanctioned episode of Meat Mutant.

<h2 style="line-height: 200%;">Holy See, Holy Do Researching episodes on Catholicism is really exhausting, because whenever you look something up, before long you find yourself chasing around forty tabs of airless, ultimately unimportant theological nothings, stuggling to cobble together some coherent map of all this shit in your head. So for both of our avid listeners, we'd like to just cut through the colossal jungle of who cares that is Catholicism beyond what you have to suffer during mass, and get down to brass tacks.

The word "see" is an archaic term meaning a seat of authority, the Holy See is another name for the Diocese of Rome, which is higher than the other dioceses. Have you ever wondered why Rome holds such importance in this silly ass global cannibal carnival? Let's find out.

Primacy of the Bishop of Rome
<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal;mso-outline-level:3"><span style="font-size:13.5pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">Primacy of the Bishop of Rome <span style="font-size: 13.5pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; color:blue;mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;text-decoration:none;text-underline:none"> <span style="font-size:13.5pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; color:blue;mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">Edit 

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">The reason popes have been fanning their grapes in Italy all this time instead of Palestine, apart from the improved weather, is due to the traditional notion that Peter, the baddest ass of the apostles, formed Christ's church and transmitted his right to leadership down across the generations after his martyrdom in Rome. It's the foundational doctrine of "apostolic succession," sandwiched with the idea that Peter was the number one apostle and the first Bishop of Rome.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">...None of this is in scripture, (surprise surprise), but the Catholic Church is way more based around traditions (which Bible thumping protestants point to as Satanly corruptions). Such blatantly non-Biblical practices and beliefs are justified by the idea of "development of doctrine"--that is, it's all present implicitly in the divine revelation and the initial church fathers' actions, it just wasn't obvious at first. God really ought to have taken the time to clear up any misconceptions by anticipating doctrinal conflicts and heading them off, but then that would have made the Bible even longer, and Catholics agree with atheists you should really leave the Bible reading to the dudes in spectacles and robes. Sure, it took some dozens of generations of Holy Spirit-aided mental massaging and furiously scribbled epistles, but in the end it all ties in quite nicely--or so goes that line of reasoning. Essentially, everything the Catholic Church holds as sacred tradition (like the sacraments) can be tied to the putative practices of the twelve apostles, as expounded in early extra-Biblical letters and treatises. After all, Jesus told them, specifically, to spread his word; and so they propagated the so-called "deposit of faith," and ordained bishops after them. Everything after that underwent an evolution of reason.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Of course, if you look in the Gospels, at one point Jesus spoke as though the world was going to end during the apostles' lifetime, so bully.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">Proofs that the early church's bishops deferred to Rome include a passing reference in an early letter of St. Ignatius, urging everybody to give up their pride and follow the main bishop, and stressing the hierarchy of Lord:apostles:us. If you're wondering why there were ever bishops to begin with, a widely disseminated treatise written by church fathers in contact with the apostiles, called the "Didache," instructed people appointed "bishops and deacons worthy of the Lord." The organization of the early Church was very loose at first, and it wasn't exactly clear from the outset what it was the deacons and bishops were supposed to do. Soon enough, however, a formal hierarchy emerged.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">As for all the Antipopes throughout history who fanned their grapes in Bumfuck, France and challenged the orthodox authority, there's a reason that never went anywhere. There are more practical reasons Rome became the central point for the world's hugest religion. It may be difficult at first to think of a legitimate reason<span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU"> Rome was respected over Bumfuck, France, (other than the obvious fact that Italy is better than France in literally every way imaginable... except politics, mafiosi and proximity to England). Being the capital of a sprawling empire probably had something to do with it. Neither Antioch nor Corinth nor even Jerusalem could boast it was a global center for commerce and communications. And the antipopes in <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">Côpulation de Dérrier just couldn't compete in diamond polishing races with the proper Popes.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The power of the Bishop of Rome increased as the power of the Roman Empire waned. The Emperors tried to shore up their shriveling power peens with religious support. The Roman bishop was eventually declared as "Rector of the whole Church" by a couple of imperial edicts. The edict investing the Rector of the Whole Church with the divine authority to plumb the Rectum of the Whole Population of Toddlers sadly did not make down the pipeline before the Empire collapsed, to the chagrin of the Vatican to this day. Ahh, if only they could fly back to that bygone era when boy fondling was a salutation and not a scandal.

<h3 style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">How The Catholic Church is Structured 

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">The organisation of the Catholic Church is more complicated and harder to understand than a drunk bipolar woman on LSD in the week before her period. So, listen closely or I may just start crying and freak the fuck out. The central administration of The Catholic Church is a combination of the Curia, The Holy See and the Vatican.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">As a quick note, The Vatican and the Holy See aren't synonymous. The Episdcopal See of Rome's been there since early Christianity, the Vatican as a sovereign entity has been there since the 1929 (following the deal between the Holy See and the Kingdom of Italy that finally put a cap on the so-called "Roman Question," wherein Popes were essentially prisoners in the Vatican). However, in international relations, diplomats and ambassadors and people like that always refer to the governing body of the Catholic Church as the Holy See.

<h4 style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">The Vatican 

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">The Vatican is the term for the geographical area where it is located. The land to the west of the River Tiber, where the Vatican now stands, was an ancient pagan shrine that became, around the time of Jeebus, a Roman pleasure garden. It was here that Saint Peter was executed in AD 64. And in case you don’t know, Petey was executed by being crucified upside down. <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Origen says: "Peter was crucified at Rome with his head downwards, as he himself had desired to suffer."<sup id="cite_ref-CE_21-2"> This is why an upside down cross is generally accepted as a symbol of Peter, who would not have considered himself worthy enough to die the same way as his Savior.<sup id="cite_ref-38">  <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">Now that is totes fucked up. It can't have been too awful, though, since if Peter wanted to emulate his Messiah, he must have replaced his entire blood supply with cheap wine during his ordeal, and become so soused the cross only seemed upside-down. That's the reason the Apostles' heads were always on fire, too much alcohol. I'm sure David J. Stewart would see eye to eye with that conclusion. That reminds me, DJS and his poorly informed conspiracy nut brethren reckon that the upside down crosses at The Vatican are blatant Satanic symbols. Of course they are DJS, of course they are. It's TOTALLY plausible that everybody in the church would see an obvious symbol of contempt for Christ and just go "meh" for two thousand years. Thoughts, Stewart, we learned to use them from a quite early age, but it's not too late.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">There are several stories about Petey’s death. One is that he was running away from it like a girl, but then he saw a vision of Jeebus, who prophesied Rome was going to see another spate of none too friendly crucifixions. So Petey thought: “Shit, I think that was meant for me”, and he went back and got cross. Apparently, there have also been a crap tonne of bones found underneath the Vatican, and some were dated to around this time and male, so, these were proclaimed by Pope Paul VI as those of Peter. Thorough forensic work there... As admirable as the DNA analysis no doubt is, I've got some BONES TO PICK with this conclusion. (CSI THEME MUSIC GRAB). YEEEAAAHHHHHHH

<h4 style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">The Curia <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";mso-fareast-language:EN-AU">

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-fareast-language: EN-AU">Now I know what you're thinking. An entire ages-old branch of the Catholic Church, given over to a revolutionary 80s English gothic rock band? Nay. The Roman Curia basically just refers to the main administration of the Church. Think of it as the Pope's court, as in a royal court. It includes several divisions including:

<h5 style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Secretariat of State

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">which performs all the political and diplomatic functions of Vatican City and the Holy See. It is divided into two sections, the Section for General Affairs and the Section for Relations with States. BTW, I think there were a couple of typos there. I am sure that should read “The Section for Affairs with Altar Boys” and “The Section for Relations with Minors.”

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">NO, WE WON'T LET UP WITH THE PEDO JOKES. THE CATHOLIC CHURCH FUCKING DESERVES IT A HUNDRED TIMES OVER.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Apart from doing basic things like publishing official communications, organizing events, and so on, one of the more interesting duties of the General Affairs is to keep safe the Fisherman's Ring, the Pope's special finger bling. Peter was a fisherman by trade, and the apostles were symbolically described as "fishers of men," a term that thrills pontiff crotches everywhere. A new ring is cast in gold for each pope, with their own name in Latin embossed above the bas-relief of Peter at work on his boat, rocking his badass halo as he plucks fish from the waves with his bare fucking hands. No wonder he had to be crucified upside-down, otherwise it would have been far too tempting for him to simply rip free of the nails and walk to town with bits of the cross stick stuck to him.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Interestingly, the states affairs section was born as The Congregation for the Ecclesiastical Affairs of the Kingdom of France in 1793 to deal with the problems created for the Church by the French Revolution.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Curial Congregations

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Congregations is the collective term for another department of the Curia. There are nine congregations in all. These nine congregations are run by a shit load of cardinals who are referred to as overseeing the Universal Church, which has got to wear on for some long hours indeed. That’s a big job, running a church across the whole universe. No wonder the pope got some guys to help. I wonder which one has the diocese of Zeta Reticuli? Lucky bastard.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The term "Catholic" actually means "universal" or "all-encompassing." It's a claim of authority, being the one true church.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith used to be the Holy Office of the Inquisition, as we discussed in out Inquisition two-parter. They oversee the doctrine of the Church. Ratinger was Prefect of this congregation when he was a mere cardinal.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Congregation for the Oriental Churches makes sure you understand that some Chinamen take breaks from prepping their puppies for their pet dragons' furnace maws to kiss Jesus' suspiciously statue-like feet. The designation "Oriental" is actually broader than Chim Chang Walla Walla Bumfuck, China, including: Egypt and the Sinai Peninsula, Eritrea and northern Ethiopia, southern Albania and Bulgaria, Cyprus, Greece, Israel, Iran, Iraq, Lebanon, the Palestinian territories, Syria, Jordan, Turkey, and Ukraine. all otherwise known as the Pope's outhouse. In all seriousness, this congregation protects these churches' rights and their unique heritage even as they police their adherence to the Latin Rite.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Congregation for the Divine Worship and the Discipline of Sacraments is essentially the Western equivalent, with some obscure technical shit relating to the sacraments added for good measure because sometimes Occidentalists make mistakes, too.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Congregation of the Causes of Saints is not a telethon of worthy causes, it's the body that governs canonization. Count your heroic virtues today!

The Congregation for the Evangelization of Peoples, as opposed to the congregation for the evangelization of turtles. They administrate missionary work.

The Sacred Congregation for the Clergy looks after matters involving priests and deacons who aren't in religious orders.

The Congregation for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life has to do with those religious orders. An "institute of consecrated life" is where a priest or sister makes unbreakable vows. So, like a convent or monastery. A "society of apostolic life" is a group with a single mission in mind, mainly charity or missionary work, and they don't have to be comprised of priests who've made vows like in monasteries or mendicant orders.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Finally, there are the Congregation for Catholic Education and the Congregation for Bishops.

<h5 style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Other things <p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Curia has tribunals that judge things like annulments, absolutions and internal disputes

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Then there are the Pontifical Councils, which are subsections of the congregations. These cover topics like: Family, Justice and Peace, and Health Care Workers (yay! speech pathologists get a look in – oh wait, you gotta be Catholic – damn it). Actually now that I read what it does, I want nothing to do with it: “<span style="font-family:"Times","serif";mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi">It spreads, explains and defends the teachings of the Church on health issues and favors its involvement in health care practice.” Fuck that shit. We don't need every nuclear family being 25 strong, and then telling the kids not to fuck, the Earth would explode from pure urges.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Pontifical Councils are not to be confused with Pontifical Commissions, which are essentially groups of experts. The most noteworthy for us is probably the Pontifical Commission Ecclesia Dei, which has the odd task of trying to bring back into full communion a flock of schismatic, traditionalist Catholics who formerly followed one Archbishop Marcel Lefebvre. In 1988, Lefebvre consecrated four dudes as bishops under an association of priests who opposed the liberal changes of the 70s, against the church's explicit prohibition not to. These guys still adhere to the pre-70s Roman Rite, and the Archbishop's flagrant disobedience caused quite the stir. The Pontifical Commission of Sacred Archeology is in charge of excavating the Catacombs of Rome and other sites of Christian antiquarian interest, and of safeguarding the objects found during such excavations.

<h5 style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The Swiss Guard

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">or Schweizergarde is, for all intents and purposes, the military force of the Vatican. Why Swiss, of all nations? Ever since the the late 15th century, when they built a fierce reputation, Swiss mercenaries populated tons of foreign courts in Europe, not to mention the front lines of their standard armies. Considering Switzerland's contemporary reputation as a chronically neutral country, this is tres ironic.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Actually, the Swiss Guard was not always the only defense force; the Pontifical Military Corps were disbanded in 1970. The Vatican probably doesn't need them on the payroll. And the Swiss Guard look funnier to tourists, which equals more tourists for the Basilica of St. Peter and all the museums. That's how they spring their tourist trap, because both are ridiculously, ridiculously huge. There are still the Gendarme Corps, which are the police force, and the ordinary security detail, against whom the Swiss Guard play soccer/football. The Vatican even fields a soccer team composed of the Swiss Guard who hold dual citizenship.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">You need to be a young, Catholic, Swiss army male with good standing in order to apply to become a Swiss Guard. In 2009, the Swiss Guard commandant, Daniel Anrig, suggested that the Guard might someday be open to recruiting women, but he added that the admission of female recruits remained far in the future.I think that'd be pretty hot, with those uniforms.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">The weird, silly, colorful uniforms we know them for now are from 1914, probably inspired by a particular frouffy portrait. They're a really Renaissancy cut, too, with their colors modeled after the family hues of the Medici family, those famous patrons of the arts (4 of whom were popes). A far cry from their mercenary history indeed. That's just their ceremonial getup, though, their duty uniforms are plain blue.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">In case you think they only ever do ceremonial shit, they actually do protect the Pope on the job. Some of the security detail that you always see pinning down loonies who try to rush towards the Pope are Swiss Guard soldiers in plain clothes. A pair of undercover Swiss Guard officers accompanies the pope whenever he travels.

<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Quoth a Slate article: ''When Julius II founded the Papal Swiss Guard back in the 16th century, defending the pope wasn't such a safe job. In 1527, three-quarters of the Swiss forces were killed during the sack of Rome. Then in the 19th century, attacks on the pope increased as Italy was becoming unified, and the Swiss Guard had to disperse crowds with gunfire. But in modern times, being a Swiss Guard isn't too dangerous. Attempted assaults on the pope are extremely rare—an assassin shot John Paul II in 1981—and pepper spray is usually enough to immobilize Vatican intruders. The Swiss Guard did face tragedy in 1998, however, when one of the halberdiers shot the newly appointed Swiss Guard commander and his wife.''

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<p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">There are more layers in the Curia--they've even got a financial branch, and a labor office for employees--but we’re not gonna waste time on them. Like I said, more layers than a battery hen farm, and just as fluffy. Incidentally, the Bumfuckian Curia consists of two chicken coops and a pair of overalls full of dung.

<h3 style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">Random Vatican Facts Popes used to enjoy secular rule over most of the Italian peninsula for over a thousand years, back when they were the Papal states. In fact, Popes have been the de facto rulers of Rome since the fall of the Roman Empire. Since the Risorgimento of the 19th century (in which the various states of the peninsula unified into the Italy we know today), and the annexation of Rome specifically in 1870, Popes no longer boast that privilege; they must be content with their measly little city within a city. Of course, these days the pope's got a summer residence 25 miles from Rome at Castel Gandolfo.
 * Vatican City is the only city inside of a city.
 * Its main exports are postage stamps, publications and tourist souvenirs. The Vatican has its own Post office and issues its own stamps. The Vatican mail system is widely used by Romans as in most cases is a lot quicker than Italian mail.
 * Vatican City has many of its own public amenities such as a telephone system, postal service, radio station, pharmacy and banking facilities.
 * Almost all necessary life essentials including food, water, electricity and gas must be imported.
 * The city has no income tax and no restrictions on the import or export of money. Italians are allowed to donate 8% of their yearly taxes to the Vatican (this is instead of paying it to the Italian Government).
 * The Vatican stamps its own coins. The €1 coin which has a portrait of the present Pope is in high demand with collectors. "World's ugliest ass dude on a coin"
 * The Holy See, in the role of government, obtains its income from the contributions of 1 billion Roman Catholics the world over. It also collects interest on investments and the sales of coins, stamps and publications. Peter's Pence is an ages-old tradition of throwing money at the church just cuz. It almost worked like tribute in the international affairs of olde.
 * It has a population as reported by the United Nations in 2009 of just 800 inhabitants. Around 150 or so are Swiss Guards.
 * If you want to hold a conversation in Latin with 800 people, Vatican City is the place to be. But don't wear sleevless shirts or short pants or skirts, those aren't respectful and austere enough. Word really gets around with such a small population, even in Latin.
 * The Vatican necropolis was orignally a burial ground built on the southern slope of the Vatican Hill, adjacent to a circus built by Emperor Caligula. In accordance with the Roman law, it was forbidden to bury the dead within the city walls. For this reason, burial grounds sprang up along the roads outside of the city cemeteries.
 * The obelisk in the middle of the Piazza di San Pietro was transported from Egypt to Rome in 37 A.D. by the Emperor Gaius Caligula to mark the spine of a circus eventually completed by the Emperor Nero. The so-called Circus of Nero was parallel to and to the south of the east-west axis of the current Basilica. It was in this circus that St. Peter was killed in the first official persecutions of Christians undertaken by Nero.

During the Middle Ages, the bronze ball on top of the obelisk was believed to contain Caesar's ashes. When it was relocated, the present reliquary, the Chigi Star in honor of Pope Alexander VII, was added containing pieces of the True Cross. This is the only obelisk in Rome that never toppled since it was placed in ancient Rome, but it's not the only Egyptian obelisk in Vatican City. Anyway, this celebrated obelisk nearly shattered while it was being moved, which would have been a real ball buster. Upon orders of the pope, no one was to speak a word otherwise he would be excommunicated. However, a sailor shouted to water the ropes to prevent them from burning. He was forgiven and in gratitude for saving the day, the palms for Palm Sunday still come from the sailor's home town of Bordighera. The moving of this obelisk was celebrated in engravings during its time to commemorate the Renaissance's recovery and mastery of ancient knowledge.