INTRO SKETCH
Joe: Yeah, I had to get a fake tree this year, everytime I tried to plug in the real one, it'd mutate to a higher consciousness! Stupid thermodynamics...
Emma: All right, camera's recording, say hi Meat Mutant!!
- abyssal gurgling*
Emma: *wistful motherly sigh* I wonder when he'll say his first word!
MM: Booooobs.
Joe: D'aww, he takes after his daddy he does! *hearty chortling* Ho ho ho ho.
Emma: Not entirely sure whence that word came, seeing as it doesn't yet have a recognizable nervous system.
Joe: Then he definitely takes after daddy!! Oh, wouldn't you know it, the clock's struck midnight! It's time to open your very first presents, Meat Mutant!
- We'll surprise each other with the gifts. The gifts should be inadvertently deleterious to Meat Mutant's "health," such that it is
Emma: Aww, he's so embarrassed he's withdrawn into his shell!
Joe: ...It has a shell?
Emma: It does now.
Joe: Sweet dreams, kiddo!!
MM: Boooooooobs.
- Both of us laugh like at the end of a cheesy sitcom
- Cheesy 80s sitcom opening theme turns into Heavens Door Ultimate Mix from Sengoku Basara
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnF6ue_8eu4&feature=related (if there's a better more obscure one use that instead)
http://www.youtuberepeat.com/watch/?v=ch-1mn7CQ_o&feature=related
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Welcome to the first annual Meat Mutant Christmas Extravagalooza! It's Christmas Meat 2011!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpAx0qyPRMw (JJJ's brilliant "Christmas meat" coinage)
We thought we'd go with something of a variety show feel for our Christmas episodes, and our first segment for the evening is, naturally, the revived segment "JIS of the Week": EXTREME DRAMATIC READING MODE.
JIS: Extreme Dramatic Reading Mode
Joe: NOTE: The following page from Jesus-Is-Savior.com was written this very month.
http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/False%20Religions/Other%20Pagan%20Mumbo-Jumbo/o_christmas_tree.htm
- spliced with actual clips from the GLEE song under scrutiny, for maximum hilarity*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHmmQJSb95Q&ob=av2e
- Emma, you do the dramatic reading, just to change it up! Chew scenery in the name of the LORD J-J-J-Jesus*
And now, just to spite JIS webmaster David J. Stewart
Joe: Here's the rockin' Kirk Franklin gospel song "Jesus is the Reason," which does nothing but extol Jesus but Stewart would hate anyway, because any kind of rockin' music is spawned from the bowels of Satan himself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Leeda9X17Y
Some Questions for Each Other
What's your funniest memory of Christmas?
What do you remember about midnight mass?
What's the worst Christmas present you ever got?
Let's talk about Emma's Nativity play experience!!
Jolly Old Saint Nick
{C}Saint Nicholas also called Nikolaos of Myra, was a 4th-century saint and Greek Bishop of Myra (part of modern-day Turkey). Because of the many miracles attributed to his intercession, he is also known as Nikolaos the Wonderworker. He had a reputation for secret gift-giving, such as putting coins in the shoes of those who left them out for him, and thus became the model for Santa Claus, whose modern name comes from the Dutch “Sinterklaas”, which derives from a series of corruptions of the spelling of "Saint Nikolaos" in different alphabets. In 1087, his relics were furtively translated to Bari, in southeastern Italy; for this reason, he is also known as Nikolaos of Bari. His feastday is 6 December.
The historical Saint Nicholas is revered among Orthodox Christians. He is also honoured by some Anglican and Lutheran churches. Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors, merchants, archers, thieves, children, and students in various countries in the Balkans and Eastern Europe, as well as in parts of Western Europe. Among the Greeks and Italians he is a favorite of sailors, fishermen, ships, SEAMEN and sailing. As such he has become over time the patron saint of several cities maintaining harbors including Aberdeen, Amsterdam, Liverpool, and Lorraine. He is often described by modern Greek scholars as a kind of Christianized version of Poseidon. He is also the patron saint of all of Greece.
Nicholas was the only son of wealthy Christian parents named Epiphanius and Johanna according to some accounts and Theophane and Nonna according to others. His parents died in an epidemic while Nicholas was still young and he was raised by his uncle who was the bishop of Patara. According to legend, Nicholas was very religious from an early age, and his uncle tonsured him as a reader (someone who read scripture aloud during the liturgy), and later as presbyter (priest). Forensic analysis of his supposed bones/relics suggests he was 5ft tall with a broken nose (so I guess he looked like Al Pacino).
Relics
{C}In 1071 Romanus IV, Emperor of the Byzantine Empire, faced Sultan Alp Arslan of the Seljuk Turks in the Battle of Manzikert. The battle ended in humiliating defeat and capture for Romanus. The Byzantines would regain control over Asia Minor during the reign of Alexius I Comnenus. But early in his reign Myra (in Turkey) was overtaken by Islamic invaders. Sailors from Bari in Apulia seized the remains of the saint from his burial church in Myra. Returning to Bari (in Italy), they brought the remains with them and cared for them. There are numerous variations of this account. In some versions those taking the relics are characterized as thieves or pirates, in others they are said to have taken them in response to a vision wherein Saint Nicholas himself appeared and commanded that his relics be moved. Currently at Bari, there are two churches at his shrine, one Roman Catholic and one Orthodox.
According to a local legend, some of his remains were brought by three pilgrims to a church in what is now Nikolausberg in the vicinity of the city of Göttingen, Germany, giving the church and village its name.
It is said that in Myra the relics of Saint Nicholas each year exuded a clear watery liquid which smells like rose water, called manna (or myrrh), which is believed to possess miraculous powers. Up to the present day, a flask of manna is extracted from the tomb of Saint Nicholas every year on 6 December (the Saint's feast day). The myrrh can be obtained in the shop nearby.
In 2009, the Turkish Government announced that it would be formally requesting the return of St Nicholas's bones to Turkey from the Italian government. Turkish authorities have cited the fact that St Nicolas himself wanted to be and actually got buried at his episcopal town. They also state that his remains were illegally removed from his homeland.
Legends
{C}One of the legends surrounding St Nicholas tells how a terrible famine struck and a malicious butcher lured three little children into his house, where he killed them and cut them up, placing their remains in a barrel to cure, planning to sell them off as ham. Saint Nicholas not only saw through the butcher's horrific crime but also resurrected the three boys from the barrel through prayer. Another version of this story, possibly formed around the eleventh century, claims that the butcher's victims were instead three clerks. A man murdered them, and was advised by his wife to dispose of them by turning them into meat pies. The Saint saw through this and brought the men back to life.
In his most famous exploit, a poor man had three daughters but could not afford a proper dowry for them. This meant that they would remain unmarried and probably have to become prostitutes to earn a living. Hearing of the man's plight, Nicholas went to his house under the cover of night and threw three purses (one for each daughter) filled with gold coins through the window opening into the man's house.
One version has him throwing one purse for three consecutive nights. Another has him throwing the purses over a period of three years, each time one of the daughters came of age. Invariably, the third time the father lies in wait, trying to discover the identity of their benefactor. In one version the father confronts the saint, only to have Saint Nicholas say it is not him he should thank, but God. In another version, Nicholas learns of the man's plan to find him out, and drops the third bag down the chimney instead; a variant holds that one of the daughters had washed her stockings that evening and hung them over the embers to dry, and that the bag of gold fell into the stocking.
The Miracle of Wheat Multiplication
What a great title for a miracle.
The story goes that during a great famine in Myra, a ship was anchored in the port. The ship was loaded with wheat for the Emperor in Constantinople. Nicholas invited the sailors to unload a part of the wheat to help in time of need. The sailors at first didn'rt want to do this, because the wheat had to be weighed accurately and delivered to the Emperor. Only when Nicholas promised them that they would not be punished for their actions, the sailors agreed. When they arrived later in the capital, they made a surprising find: the weight of the load had not changed, although the wheat removed in Myra was enough for two full years.
Current Veneration
Today, Saint Nicholas is still celebrated as a great gift-giver in several Western European countries. Some say that, in medieval times nuns used the night of 6 December to deposit baskets of food and clothes anonymously at the doorsteps of the needy. According to another source, on 6 December every sailor or ex-sailor of the Low Countries (including the modern countries of Belgium, the Netherlands, Luxembourg and parts of northern France and western Germany) would descend to the harbour towns to participate in a church celebration for their patron saint. On the way back they would stop at one of the various Nicholas fairs to buy some hard-to-come-by goods, gifts for their loved ones and little presents for their kiddies. While the real gifts would only be presented at Christmas, the little presents for the children were given right away, courtesy of Saint Nicholas. This and the miracle of him resurrecting the three butchered children made Saint Nicholas a patron saint of children and later students as well.
Pagan Roots
The tradition of Saint Nicholas Day, usually on 6 December is a festival for children in many countries in Europe related to legends of the saint, and particularly his reputation as a bringer of gifts. The American Santa Claus, as well as the Anglo-Canadian and British Father Christmas, derive from these legends. "Santa Claus" is itself derived from the Dutch Sinterklaas.
Since some elements of the Sinterklaas celebration are unrelated to Christianity, there are theories regarding the pagan origins of various customs of the holiday stemming from areas where the Germanic peoples were Christianized and retained elements of their indigenous traditions. Parallels have been drawn between the legend of Sinterklaas and the figure of Odin, a major god amongst the Germanic peoples. Odin is associated with war, battle, victory and death, but also wisdom, magic, poetry, prophecy, and the hunt. Similarities between Sinterklass and Odin include:
- Sinterklaas rides the roof tops with his white horse (which has had many different names) Odin rides the sky with his gray, eight legged horse Sleipnir.
- Sinterklaas carries a staff and has mischievous helpers with black faces called Zwarte Pieten; Odin has a spear and black ravens.
Zwarte Pieten (Black Petes) are servants of Sinterklaas, usually adolescenst with blackfaces and black curly hair, dressed up like a 17-th century page in a colourful dress, often with a lace collar, and donning a feathered cap.
Sinterklaas and his Black Pete usually carry a bag which contains lollies for nice children and a chimney sweep's broom made of willow branches, to spank naughty children. The Zwarte Pieten toss candy around, a tradition supposedly originating in Sint Nicolaas' story of saving three young girls from prostitution by tossing golden coins through their window at night to pay their father's debts.
The oldest explanation for these helpers is that they symbolize Odin's two ravens Hugin and Munin.
- According to one source, children would place their boots, filled with carrots, straw, or sugar, near the chimney for Odin's flying horse to eat. Odin would then reward those children for their kindness by replacing Sleipnir's food with gifts or lollies.
How to Re-Paganise Christmas
Winter Solstice has been celebrated in cultures around the world for thousands of years. This start of the solar year is a celebration of Light and the rebirth of the Sun. In old Europe, it was known as Yule, from the Norse, Jul, meaning wheel.
Today, many people in Western-based cultures refer to this holiday as "Christmas." Yet a look into its origins of Christmas reveals its Pagan roots.
Emperor Aurelian established December 25 as the birthday of the "Invincible Sun" in the third century as part of Roman Winter Solstice celebrations. In 273, the Christian church selected this day to represent the birthday of Jesus, and by 336, this Roman solar feast day was Christianized. January 6, celebrated as Epiphany in Christendom and linked with the visit of the Magi, was originally an Egyptian date for the Winter Solstice.
Most of the customs, lore, symbols, and rituals associated with "Christmas" actually are linked to Winter Solstice celebrations. Pagans today can readily re-Paganize Christmastime and the secular New Year by giving a Pagan spiritual focus to existing holiday customs and by creating new traditions that draw on ancient ways. Here are some ways to do this: Celebrate Yule with a series of rituals, feasts, and other activities.
In most ancient cultures, the celebration lasted more than a day. The ancient Roman Saturnalia festival sometimes went on for a week. Have Winter Solstice Eve and Day be the central focus for your household, and conceptualize other holiday festivities, including New Year's office parties and Christmas visits with Christian relatives, as part of your Solstice celebration. By adopting this perspective, Pagan parents can help their children develop an understanding of the multicultural and interfaith aspects of this holiday time and view "Christmas" as just another form of Solstice. Have gift exchanges and feasts over the course of several days and nights as was done of old. Party hearty on New Year's Eve not just to welcome in the new calendar year, but also to welcome the new solar year.
Adorn the home with sacred herbs and colors. Decorate your home in Druidic holiday colors red, green, and white. Place holly, ivy, evergreen boughs, and pine cones around your home, especially in areas where socializing takes place.
Hang a sprig of mistletoe above a major threshold and leave it there until next Yule as a charm for good luck throughout the year. Have family/household members join together to make or purchase an evergreen wreath. Include holiday herbs in it and then place it on your front door to symbolize the continuity of life and the wheel of the year. If you choose to have a living or a harvested evergreen tree as part of your holiday decorations, call it a Solstice tree and decorate it with Pagan symbols.
Convey love to family, friends, and associates. At the heart of Saturnalia was the custom of family and friends feasting together and exchanging presents. Continue this custom by visiting, entertaining, giving gifts, and sending greetings by mail and/or phone. Consider those who are and/or have been important in your life and share appreciation.
Reclaim Santa Claus as a Pagan Godform. Today's Santa is a folk figure with multicultural roots. He embodies characteristics of Saturn (Roman agricultural god), Cronos (Greek god, also known as Father Time), the Holly King (Celtic god of the dying year), Father Ice/Grandfather Frost (Russian winter god), Thor (Norse sky god who rides the sky in a chariot drawn by goats), Odin/Wotan (Scandinavian/Teutonic All-Father who rides the sky on an eight-legged horse), Frey (Norse fertility god), and the Tomte (a Norse Land Spirit known for giving gifts to children at this time of year). Santa's reindeer can be viewed as forms of Herne, the Celtic Horned God. Decorate your home with Santa images that reflect His Pagan heritage.
Honor the Goddess as Great Mother. Place Pagan Mother Goddess images around your home. You may also want to include one with a Sun child, such as Isis with Horus. Pagan Goddess forms traditionally linked with this time of year include Tonantzin (Native Mexican corn mother), Holda (Teutonic earth goddess of good fortune), Bona Dea (Roman women's goddess of abundance and prophecy), Ops (Roman goddess of plenty), Au Set/Isis (Egyptian/multicultural All Goddess whose worship continued in Christian times under the name Mary), Lucina/St. Lucy(Roman/Swedish goddess/saint of light), and Befana (Italian Witch who gives gifts to children at this season).
Honor the new solar year with light. Do a Solstice Eve ritual in which you meditate in darkness and then welcome the birth of the sun by lighting candles and singing chants and Pagan carols. If you have a indoor fireplace or an outdoor fire circle, burn an oak log as a Yule log and save a bit to start next year's fire. Decorate the inside and/or outside of your home with electric colored lights. Because of the popularity of five pointed stars as holiday symbols, this is a good time to display a pentagram of blue or white lights.
Contribute to the manifestation of more wellness on Planet Earth. Donate food and clothing to poor in your area. Volunteer time at a social service agency. Put up bird feeders and keep them filled throughout the winter to supplement the diets of wild birds. Donate funds and items to non-profit groups, such as Pagan/Wiccan churches and environmental organizations. Meditate for world peace. Work magic for a healthier planet. Make a pledge to do some form of good works in the new solar year.