JIS of the WeekEdit

Featuring such winners as:

You can call me anything you want, just don't call me late for dinner or collect.


Q: Who is buried in Grant's tomb? A: Grant


Whoever said "the pen is mightier than the sword" has obviously never been stabbed.

Then you've got DJS's apparent hatred for lawyers (wonder if that has anything to do with his having gotten convicted for child molestation, which, look it up, totally happened)

[[Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.]]

There's even a gif of an "ambulance chasing" lawyer getting run over by an ambulance, complete with the words "Divine Justice for Ambulance Chasing Lawyers." But he doesn't condemn anyone!!

Then, apropros of nothing, there's just an image of a vet holding a really big cat, with the caption "This Thursday, April 19, 2012 photo provided by the Santa Fe Animal Shelter veterinarian Dr. Jennifer Steketee holds Meow, a 2-year-old tabby at the shelter in Santa Fe, N.M." Needless to say, this is not grammatical, J. my boy. The only clean laugh here is the existential maelstrom of failure that is your sense of humor. And by clean laugh I mean it makes me want to strangle you, so the laugh will look clean by comparison.

Before he resumes to trashing lawyers (and IRS agents). Followed by a random extremely poorly shopped gif of a kitten playing guitar. Later on, there's a random image of a fat cat rolling on the floor with with dollar bills, because funny? Jesus, Stewart, your attention span and comedic range would be dwarfed by a headless Larry the Cable Guy.

This is to say nothing of the "Only in America" and "Ever Wonder?" sections of the article, all of which contain either inane puns or shit he could actually find out if he cared to, like "Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?" Yeah, a mystery for the ages, DJS. These jokes all betray such a fundamental detachment from reality and an adult's perspective of the world, that it must be studied and summarily mocked in the most vicious and mean-spirited personal attack we have ever mounted.

"Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?"

Why can't fringe evangelicals fantasize about saving fetus penises inside their mouths without rubbing themselves against gutter grates?

"Why don't they just construct the whole plane out of the black box's indestructible material?"

Gee, I don't know, maybe because it wouldn't fucking fly, you stupidity-induced brain slush.

"Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?"

When in the history of this planet has a bubble ever been "white," you humanity deficient virus.

"Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?"

He tried, but he stumbled over the lagoon of leavings that seeped through every facet of his and his family's forty days while God laughed good, clean laughs.

"If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"

It's the same reason medical science has categorized you as a Class S mental rodent: to keep morons from gathering together in clusters where they might amuse us to the point of society breaking down.

"Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage."

Yes. Only in America does this happen. Also, what exactly is the alternative, Stewart? We don't all have God to come down and cast PROTECT while spit shining our fucking power tools. And what about shared driveways, are you just going to leave the path blocked with sawblades strewn all over? I'm sure your neighbor will appreciate that next time he places a live grenade in your hands, forges your will and makes a necklace out of your dog's teeth.

"Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink."

It's totally inconceiveable that a handicapped person might drive somebody else to the rink. Or that a handicapped person might be capable of skating.

"Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance."

Only in America can a pizza place be closer to wherever you might be than an ambulance? Fucking really, shithead who made this wheezing, sun-blasted skeleton of a "joke"?

"Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)"

A cursory Googling reveals that even the parenthetical "THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!" is also copypasted from other sites. Pity, I could have worked in a jibe about how DJS is probably always buggering young boys, but instead I think we'll settle for: "Yes, we can see how your inability to thrust your hot dog into an unfitting pair of buns might be frustrating, Stewart."

"Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'."

I'm sure this is news to every other English-speaking country besides America. Pat yourself on the back for having coined such a vital word for all the world's peoples! Well, all the peoples who speak a Biblical language like English.

"Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front."

I think this is the one that pisses me off the most. Is DJS under the impression that this is an often occurence? People so sick that they shouldn't be walking, forced to go to the pharmacy themselves? It's like this guy lives on Planet Meebquishra, but certainly not Earth.

And finally.

The Kids Say the Darnedest Things section.

I'll let you girls tear it to shreds, but I do want to pipe up now and again lol.

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