Intro: The Monkey and the CrabEdit
Narrator: This is the tale of a monkey and a crab. A despicable monkey, and his defenseless victim.
[Background sound of waves breaking on the coast]
Narrator: This, is a tale of revenge.
Crab: Wow, a dumpling! Some absent-minded human must have dropped this. I bet the buns in the oven will love this!
Narrator: And so the crab took the yet fresh dumpling to feed her womb. But then…
Monkey: Yo Crabby!
You won’t believe what I found—
Monkey: I came when I saw, chica. How far along are you, by the way? It’s been forever
Crab: The babies, you mean? They’re still not due for about—
Monkey: That’s great, listen, I have a proposition. Trade you a persimmon seed for that dumpling hoo hoo hoo HA HA HA
Crab: I don’t know about that. I kind of had my heart set on it, you know?
Monkey: You’ve gotta think of the future, sweetums! Plant this seed now, and that’s a whole tree of nourishment for your newborns~ I don’t need it, I’m a swinging bachelor!!
Narrator: And as the monkey kissed his very long forearms and howled, the crab weighed her options. Finally…
Crab: I suppose you have a deal, Monkey old friend. But only if you promise to swing by and collect those persimmons for me once they’re ripe. I can’t climb trees to save my life!
Monkey: Rest those gams, honey! I promise when that days comes I’ll be a proper gentleman.
Crab: Pincer swear?
Monkey: Ehhh… sure. Ow. Owwww.
[Coast ambience fades to nothing]
Narrator: Little did the poor crab know that the monkey was crossing his filthy macho fingers, mouth watering at the chance to gorge itself of persimmons at only the cost of a friend. Many moons later, the crab was basking in the shade of her project, on the jungle outskirts. On that fateful day, she decided they were ready, and skittered sideways towards the monkey’s house.
[ukulele chords, followed by the ambience of a placid jungle]
Monkey: Well if it isn’t the prettiest carapace in the land. What can I do ya for?
Crab: Sweet serendipity, Monkey! If I’m not mistaken, the fruits got ripe just as the eggs started bumping! I think I might go into labor any moment now!
Monkey: Yeah huh wonderful where is it
Crab: I’ll guide you there. C’mon now
Monkey: EEE EEE EEE
Narrator: The moment they arrived, the monkey spared no time launching its impertinent feet right off the crab, his sheer greed almost beating up the trunk to the bounty of persimmons above.
Monkey: [sounds of monkey gorging itself. I will be using real persimmons for this.]
Crab: MonkeeeeeyyyyYYYY!!!!!!! How could you!?!?
Monkey: That’s just what you hrmm get [gulp] for being gullible hoo hoo. What kind of mother falls for that, I mean really!!
Crab: The kind with pincers, that hurt.
Monkey: And that’s why you won’t be living much longer, honeybunch.
Crab: You… you wouldn’t…
Monkey: Hey, gotta use these unripe ones for something! They’re hard as stone, of course, and I might like to try imbuing one with essence of seafood!
Narrator: What the monkey lacked in precision he made up for with persistence. Within a minute or two, one of the fruits found its mark, and the crab came CRUSHED.
Crab: Kkkgh… you… you’ll pay for this…
Monkey: Send my regards to the land of the dead, Crabby dear. Teach them who bested you.
Crab: You monster
Monkey: No, it’s monkey. A mere monkey for mere fruit! Hoo hoo hoo HA HA HA!
Narrator: And with that the monkey left her for dead, certain she could not possibly budge her weak, pathetic crustacean legs from underneath her persimmonly prison. But the resolve of a woman scorned rivals the frosts of hell, especially when it comes to her children!
Crab: You’ll see, Monkey. For my final act, I’ll teach my children that they’ll be born in a world where no foul deed goes unpunished! GAK keho keho
Narrator: And, improbably—unbelievably!—the crab moved. And took a step. Then ten. Fueled by equal parts hatred and love, the crab scuttled ten thousand paces, all the while lugging the bastard persimmon that spelled her doom. Until at last, she reached the ocean, her ocean, and laid her offspring. Her avengers. Dyed blood red, the innocent eggs at once knew nature, tooth and claw.