Dr. Chuck "God" Morrison as Dr. Mike Litoris
nDr. Giuseppe "Foreskin Flayer" di Martino as Super Kirk Hastings
Matt Wakefield as special guest Professor Renatus Manglemath
THE MERE WOMAN as Keith Tendicks
The line recitation should be fluid; I don't want it to just be rote reading off because then it wouldn't sound natural enough to be an unscripted podcast episode. So gloss the line and then perform it without reading it simultaneously.
Evidence for Floating Space Numbers with special guest Professor Renatus ManglemathEdit
Chuck: Welcome, listeners, I'm Dr. Mike Litoris
Joe: And I'm Super Kirk Hastings, and this is most definitely a genuine, honest-to-God episode of the Evidence 4 Faith podcast.
Ems: Well, for that I guess you'll just need to have faith.
Chuck: Introduce yourself, Keith
Ems: Sorry, sorry, I'm Keith Tendicks. I apologize for my voice, the other day I spilled water on my keyboard and in the process of slurping it all away, there was an electrical short that zapped my vocal folds.
Joe: You know, the evolutionists would say that spark would trigger a mutation and that you should be evolving now.
Chuck: Ahahaa, and maybe you'll start showing noticeable changes a million years from now.
Ems: Well, Mrs Tendicks and I are trying for a baby, so who knows. She might give birth to a moneky. That's how they say that evolution thing works......right?
But, if they want it both ways and say it will take a million years, I'll be in my immortal body in heaven by then! In any case, until God wills for it to end, my voice is going to be a bit on the boyish side, but on the plus side, ever since my voice changed God has seen fit to send many, many pastors to my door for "private bible study sessions." I guess my audio lectures are really beginning to take root and touch people. They always seem to concentrate on pressing things when I open the door though.
Chuck: Well, you know what the LORD says, we all must face trials on our roads as evangelists for him, but eventually I think we'll meet more and more righteous people on the way. Speaking of which, we're live on the air and we always accept call-ins! Actually, later on we'll have a guest, a renowned professor of apologetics Kirk met last week at the local Biblical Archaeology summit.
Joe: Yeah, Professor Renatus Manglemath will be joining us soon; presently he's tied up at work calling Amazon up to ask why his new book isn't on the bestseller's list.
Chuck: They're burying it, probably. What was the name of the book again, Numbers and Numerology?
Joe: Numbers and Numerology: What the Numbers Floating in Space Teach Us About the Nature of God and Numbers. And I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet, my book--WHAT IS TRUTH?--is selling better than ever, and besides, Professor Manglemath told me he figures it might just be a freak fluctuation of numbers that make the holiness of his message incompatible with the internet.
Emma: I don't know, I still suspect foul play. My upcoming book, WHAT ISN'T NOT TRUTH?, hasn't cleared Amazon's acceptance process for over a year now, and the only thing they've told me is that I should try submitting it to the Guiness Book of World Records as the "most transparent book to be a sentence-by-sentence paraphrase of another book." I'm beginning to bristle a little.
Chuck: Guiness World Records? The same "records" that refuse to add Christ as the smartest man that ever lived? No wonder everything's going to hell these days. Callers? Thoughts? ...Callers? No, no calls yet, well all right, let's get into our news article for this week, wait is that a caller!?
Chuck: ...Are you sure? Yeah no okay it's not.
Emma: Ahem. Our article this week is "New Fossils of Feathered Dinosaurs Discovered in China."
Joe: Liberal media is always shoving feathers in our faces, with their "pride" hooplas.
Chuck: You know, during a lecture in medical school I, as a doctor, learned the human body is constructed with such minute precision that if every hair were replaced with a feather instead, we wouldn't be aerodynamic at all and just topple down.
Emma: These articles aren't by real scientists at all. You know the atheist regime in China has a vested interest in suppressing any evidence that would support Christ.
Joe: Maybe that's the reason all the fossils nowadays are said to be getting unearthed there. There are some places in China that still aren't even mapped or charted. I'm betting it's collusion between the communist wings of various universities across the US and China.
Emma: Feathers on dinosaurs, pfft, let me tell you, there's nothing like feathers to take away the fear of God. Why do you think God made T-Rex so terrifying?
Chuck: Actually, did you know that if you replace a T-Rex's teeth with feathers, it'd--
Emma: God made T-Rex so terrifying so that it would keep the children of Israel in line. Nobody wanted to go visit pagan lands with those things prowling the borders. I wonder what the elitists will come up with next? Dinosaurs that were warm-blooded? Can you imagine?
Chuck: Lord knows how many dinosaur eggs were out-and-out aborted in the name of "scientific research" just to hide the lack of feathers they just now came up with. Hold on, how old is this article again?
Joe: Actually, now that I recall, I'm pretty sure we covered this article already.
Chuck: Oh yeeeah. Once, about a year ago.
Chuck: ...And then once again about a year and a half ago. Well hey, we're just coming at it from different angles.
Joe: Oh, looking at the show notes now, and it seems as though the article came to our attention the last time because... it was correct, the ancients wouldn't have needed reins if they rode their dinosaurs by grasping the feathers, and it conflicted with the "evolutionist narrative" by showing that all the previous dinosaurs without feathers would have been superior to their feathered descendants, thereby proving entropy.
Emma: Well, the conclusions weren't wrong. It's just like a sort of staggered revelation.
Chuck: I'm positive that in itself proves entropy. Checkmate evolutionists!
Joe: You won't believe this, Mike
Chuck: DOCTOR Mike.
Joe: Oh, no, there goes our caller.
Joe: Oh, he's back
Chuck: GIMME THAT. Yes, hello! You're on the Evidence 4 Faith radio podcast, your one stop destination for all your apologetics needs!
Joe: This is David J. Stewart and I just called in to rebuke you for Christ a little.
Joe: I agree with almost everything you think except for one little thing!' Your intro music.
Emma: What's wrong with our intro music?
Joe: It has a beat that makes my crotch sweat with subliminal grinding! It's just sort of slutty, WHORISH vibrations that the kids these days call "listenable!" Why back in the 70s, kids used to find their music in the simple words of their preachers!''
Emma: But it's a Christian track!
Joe: A Christian track!? Is that what the devil is having you think today, no WONDER everything's going to hell! "Contemporary Christian" might as well be the pope's personal iPod playlist as he crucifies virgins deep in the bowels of Mt. Etna! Listen, if you don't find Jesus through music as well, then there still isn't any hope for your salvation, no matter how many podcasts you've churned out.' 'It can only be tunes that I personally approved on my website, Jesus-Is-Savior.com !! Every other combination of notes is how Lady Gaga injects the world government's data parasites into our spines.
Chuck: That does make sense but we're going to stick with Ayn Rand's tried and true list of acceptable pieces of art. Thanks for your input, caller.
Joe: Don't use the word "input" when my crotch is so red and the children are home, it's too much tempta--
Emma: Well... It's nice to know there are still such passionate Christian preachers out there, even if they're going to hell due to not being like us.
Joe: Personally I only follow Superman fiction, since Superman is the pinnacle of perfection, making him perfect. But not any continuity outside of the 50s TV series, those are corruptions. Emma: Oh my, the station is telling us to roll commercial!
Joe: Commercial, what!?
Emma: Yeah, since we "got our first call-in in fifty-four episodes" they figure they have to get around to airing it.
- Sounds of the ghetto be up in this bee(ya)tch, with sirens and scary black people speaking their rap language*
- THE CHRISTIAN COMMERCIAL
- Matt: Ehhm... would anybody here like to study 2 Thessalonians? Ahaha, ahahaha, you can leave the guns
- Narrator (Chuck): Do you ever find yourself in the INNER CITY, struggling to convey Christ's saving message? YOU'RE NOT ALONE! Draw upon the wisdom of the evangelists of old that put the GEE in JESUS!
- Scary Black Man (I dunno who voices Scary Black Man lol): Yo, what gay shit is that, a doll!?
*Sound of a doll's cord, and the doll whirring to life*
- Emma: *as a doll recording* Straight up to all y'all nigga WHAAAAAAAAATS. I'mma be Golla Gee, bee (? to the Zus)! What be happenin' in this hizzouse!?
- Scary Black Man: ...Yawh. This thing's speakin' to me.
- Matt: Are we hip hoppin' yet?
- Scary Black Man: Hip hoppin' to the bop, brah!
- Chuck: That's right! With the Ghetto Gee to the Zus action figure, 'even you can rehabilitate those lost segments of the population into normal, God-fearing speech, and turn those aww yeahs into AWW YAHWEHS
- Matt: And thus the LORD said to him, "And then shall that Wicked be revealed, whom the Lord shall consume with the spirit of his mouth, and shall destroy with the brightness of his coming"
- Scary Black Man: Thass whack, what the BLEEP is this cracker BLEEP nigga sayin'!?
- Emma: Golla Gee 'a' ICE those bad sons of bitches and be all shiny and BLEEP while he at it, you understand son? YYEEAAAHHH!
- Matt: He means YOU GUYS
- Scary Black Man: Ohhhhhh
- Chuck: Call 1-800-GET-HOLY to contact Milli Vanilli Ministries and order your Ghetto "Gee to the Zus" action evangelist doll for only $99.99 plus shipping, handling, and additional monthly donation subscription and donation subscription fee! Call free!
Superspeedradiofineprint: Note no actual black men were harmed (or met) in the making of this commercial, all guarantees of success subject to the will of god, do not be alarmed if product arrives without a head, Ghetto Gee to the Zus does in fact bleep itself and those around it, and does not contain recordings beyond the two heard in this commercial. Gang signs sold separately. Sheeee-it.
- END OF COMMERCIAL
Joe: That was super.
Joe: Though I prefer the 50s version
Chuck: Not a surprise. Say, is Professor Manglemath about ready to go on air?
Emma: Actually he's been trying to call us since five minutes ago
Chuck: Aha, excellent timing!
You're on the--
Matt: fffFFFUCK YOU AMAZOOOOOON
Matt: You're not Amazon! I thought it was strange there was no hold music. I must have mixed up the numbers. Wait... mixed up the numbers...
Chuck: *nervous laughter* That was quite the outburst but welc--
Matt: SHUT UP. Let's see oh god carry the three divide the zero OH MY GOD IT'S A MIRACLE. According to the math there was a 1 in 190,562, 407.7 chance that I dialed that number at that precise picosecond!
Emma: What a speedy calculation
Matt: God LOVES picoseconds
Chuck: D-... don't these calculations typicall take decades, Professor?
Matt: ...All right who is this guy, seriously
Joe: *reprovingly* Mike.
Chuck: DOCTOR Mike
Ems: Be careful, Mike Litoris is a little sensitive....
Matt: Oh, a fellow doctor? Don't tell me you got your certificate from... *audible clicking* the Univ.of Pennsylvania in 1976 with a B.A. in Biology, and a B.S. in Medical Technology
Chuck: How did
Matt: Statistics, Michael, keep up with me now.
Chuck: Holy shit.
Matt: And yes, it took me decades to acquire all fifteen of my diplomas, but after all that training I'm a deft hand at prizing the meaning from numbers. But naturally, a single scrap of the Bible is worth FAR more than a mere sixteen diplomas.
Emma: Tell us how you got so interested in the science of numbers, Professor
Matt: The Bible, always the Bible. If there's a hobby that's not in the Bible it's not worth doing. I saw the sevens and the twelves, I felt the dimensions of the ark with my mind-hands and constructed a miniature Solomon's Temple with all manner of cubits. But as these things play out, I never got truly advanced in my studies until I came across a specific passage that alerted me to the omnipresence of the Holy Spirit and how entwined it is with the numbers that are the most fundamental particles of the universe.
Joe: I see you're reading directly from your book, Professor
Matt: That's right, my book, Numbers and Numerology: What the Numbers Floating in Space Teach Us About the Nature of God and Numbers, which will appear on Amazon's bestseller's list sometime today.
Joe: But if I may, you never seem to actually specify what that passage actually was
Matt: Oh, that's for the sequel.
Chuck: Maybe you could tell listeners to whet their appe--
Matt: Okay, all right, I'll humor you Michael. It's a funny story, actually, how I came across that particular passage: I was eating my eggs when suddenly my Pomeranian started peeing all over the Bible I had open on the table! From halfway across the kitchen, too. When the pee dried it MikeMikeenched the whole tome except for Psalms 69:11
Joe: Here, I'm looking it up now... I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them.
Matt: That's the one, yeah. Changed my life!
Joe: But what does it--I mean I know what it means, right, it means that the Holy Spirit is the "sackcloth" which we sort of shroud ourselves in--
Matt: Nah, I went to the J.C. Penny's to see if they had any sackcloth but they didn't know what sackcloth is, unfortunately. Products of today's dark ring of secular education, poor things. Anyway my wife decided to make me some sackcloth using the drapes and I positioned my crotch to the light beam and I could just faintly make out the number 7 in the dust trails.
Emma: And THAT was the Holy Spirit
Matt: Oh yes, without a doubt. I felt the burning.
Chuck: That's such an interesting way of revelation, Professor; sometimes these things leave you positively jealous for similar attention, and I never fail to be astonished whenever the LORD selects such a new and unprecedented sign as proof, of, of its truth. When I was at youth camp I spotted a Quran on the library shelf, and I could sort of sniff a smell that reminded me of my own dog's pee, but I guess in that case the dog pee meant that the Quran was bad.
Ems: Maybe it was another species of pee that just smelled similar to a dog's.
Chuck: I don't know, I could just be misremembering. In any case you ought to get a new Bible, Professor.
Matt: I have seven already
Matt: Yeah, they're all King James. I scoured them all to make sure a gay didn't slide a new sentence in there, or remove anything either. You know it says in the King James Bible that altering the King James Bible is sinful.
Joe: We appreciate your vigilance, Professor. Oh, we're on the air with Professor Renatus Manglemath, Nevada's top apologetics mathematician and biblical cosmologist as featured in the September 1977 issue of Martyr's Tribune International. Callers, give us your thoughts!
- caller calls*
Emma: Whoa ho, we are popular this week! *click* You're on the air with the Evidence 4 Faith weekly radio show, caller
Joe: You're listening to Skeptoiid. I'm Brian Dunning from Skeptoooid dot coooom.
Joe: This week, it's listener emaaaails.
Emma: Sorry caller, I think you've hit the wrong number.
Joe: You mean this isn't the Illuminati Headquarters?
Chuck: Not that we know of
Joe: Darn. Wouldn't you know it, I dialed 778 instead of 77 pentragram eye of horus eye of horus charles darwin llalallalallalalalalalalalalalalalaLALALALALALALALALALALA *Kricketune cry*
Chuck: Are those numbers you've ever heard of, professor
Matt: Definitely. Yes.
Joe: You see, everytime I put the finishing touches on a new weekly episode of Skeptoid I'm BrianDunningfromSkeptoiddotcooooom, I need to square it with the Glorious Poobas of the Morning Star before releasing it.
Joe: *as Kirk* So wait... what you're telling us is that you're a... carry the nine... an ILLUMINAT EYE!?
Joe: I see I needn't worry about the truth leaking out with a bunch of geniuses like you. And remember, if the truth does out, each one of your skulls will feature on my next episode on unearthed conjoined pygmy craniums.
Chuck: You'll never evolve us! We've got the blessings of the LORD to shroud us from evil.
Emma: That's right! My skull is suffused by the wind of Christ.
Joe: Sure it is. Mwaha. Mwahahahahaha. Mwaha. Brian Dunning from Skeptoooid dot coooom.
Matt: Think he'll buy my book?
Chuck: I'm not sure that's the wisest course of action at this juncture.
Matt: The Holy Spirit is telling me to.
Chuck: Sigh. Well then I suppose I have no argume
Chuck: Wow. Another caller!
Stuffy Apologist Guy: I say muffy, this is quite the *quaint* little podcast, guh-huh
Stuffy Apologist Guy: I'm calling you from the desk of William Lane Craig, and while I just positively ADORE your contributions to the field, it seems that your apologetic discourse has recently, AHEM, deviated from the standard quota of Craig parroting!
Stuffy Apologist Guy: Yes well hmm, it SEEMS to ME that you're not grasping what I'm getting at here guh guh-huh. What I'm saying is that we can't let too much NEW BLOOD spoil the perfection of William Craig's rhetoric. Surely you must be aware of the ancientness of the Word of God? The same holds true for William Lane Craig's inspired consolidation of things other than God that prove that God is real.
Chuck: Are you telling us to quit the podcast
Stuffy Apologist Guy: No well hmm, you silly goose, we appreciate your efforts! We'd simply tip our hats if you recycled your material--OUR material--more often! GUH, GUH-HUH
Chuck: But then what would be the poi--
Matt: Michael, if I could? I'd like to direct this young man's attention to the NUMBERS at work in this tiff. My friend, don't you know that, given the ultimate limitations of regurgitating talking points with only slight variations over the course of years of weekly podcasts, the probability approaches 1 that they will accidentally record a podcast that's identical to a recording they'd already done?
Stuffy Apologist Guy: The probability approaches 1 over time? Impressive, guh-huh, quite impressive indeed. CARRY ON, EVIDENCE 4 FAITH PODCAST. pip pip
- call ends with a *click*
Emma: That's such a coincidence, William Lane Craig popped up on my new "iPod Shuffle" just before we started recording and he only takes up around 4 gigabytes.
Matt: You need to download all of my audio lectures to free up some of those numbers through the Holy Spirit.
Emma: Well, the rest of the space is already taken up by C.S. Lewis
Matt: But everyone needs to listen at least twice to my exegesis on why the digits of pi end at Jesus
Chuck: We were thinking of renaming the show EvidenceπFaith
Joe: I can only count up to 1950!
Chuck: That's nice Kirk
Matt: If I may--and the probability is quite astoundingly high that I may--I'd like to shoot your attention towards an interesting article I was reading, which will tie into my new book, which, if listeners are just tuning in now, is named Numbers and Numerology: What the Numbers Floating in Space Teach Us About the Nature of God and Numbers. And the name of the article that ties into my book, Numbers and Numerology: 'What the Numbers Floating in Space Teach Us About the Nature of God and Numbers, is named "New Fossils of Feathered Dinosaurs Discovered in China."
Emma: Wow, sounds interesting.
Joe: And evil
Emma: And evil, yes
Matt: Don't worry, I won't bore you with the actual content of the article. Rather, I'd like you to pay close attention to the way the print is ordered in the headline, and then pass it all through the cypher I decoded in my book, Numbers and Numreology: What the Numbers Floating in Space Teach Us About the Nature of God and Numbers.
Chuck: Where is that cypher, Professor
Matt: Right after Chapter 1, Why You Should Buy This Book
Emma: But that's what's printed on the back
Matt: EXACTLY. It's the code of the numbers all around us!
Emma: Very scintillating, Professor
Matt: Let's see, I have a pile of about 75 letters stacked on my desk, now ignoring the ones that say REJECTED and the overdue alimony notifications, that leaves about 3. How many times does 3 go into 75?
Matt: Wrong, Kirky boy, the correct answer is that it doesn't matter because pi is the perfect number and you should always use pi. So 3 times pi is 3(pi). What sort of creature would enjoy three pies?
Emma: You mean besides P.Z. Myers
- Chuckles all around at the expense of his being fat*
Chuck: A dinosaur, I should think
Matt: Very good, Michael, you should think it. Now of the many types of pies, chicken pot pie is simply the most sublime.
Joe: I like apple pie
Matt: If you folks are going to keep talking over me
Joe: Sorry, sorry
Matt: Obviously chickens don't like chicken pot pie, due to the associative principle. Then is it not absurd to think that a dinosaur, that is so linked to pi, could have feathers?
Emma: I'm not sure I follow the logic there, Professor
Matt: Well you will once you've absorbed Chapter 12: Trust the Holy Spirit, Not Calculators
Chuck: ...Which journals did you say you were published in, Professor?
Matt: Too many to remember each individual name of the journals. I also feature in many scrapbooks and pamphlets.
Chuck: *nervous laughter* Callers? Thoughts?
- caller rings*
Chuck: *relieved* All right! We're saved!
Matt: *grumbling* An unfortunate miracle
Chuck: Hello caller you're on the air with--
Matt:*interjecting* Numbers and Numerology: What the Numbers *cut off*
Chuck: Apologies, Professor, finger slipped. Anyway you're on the air with Evidence4Faith!
- The caller: Hi guys, love your show. I was just wondering, I'm from Pakistan and--
Joe: OH GOD
Emma: OH GOD THAT WAS CLOSE
Chuck: But maybe he wasn't a terrorist
Joe: NO. FOREIGN BAAAD. *hyperventilating* AMERICAAMERICAAMERICAAMERICAAMERICA
Emma: Relax Kirk, I've already emailed the building to check for bombs
Joe: But, but what if the bombs are INSIDE us!?
Chuck: What gave you that impression
Joe: Why couldn't it happen
Chuck: ...Oh my god. Having bombs inside of us is a very pressing medical issue
Emma: Quick, pray!
All three: Jesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjizijizijizzjizzjizzjizz
Emma: Shit it became dirty! Fuck! Shit!
Chuck: It's okay, everything is cleared and A Okay. I checked our pulses while we were huddled and there was no bomb signature.
Joe: Thank goodness! And the AMERICAN WAY.
Emma: America sure is great to live in!!
Chuck: I agree. But you know, it's nice that we're able to evangelize across the world, even if we do dip toes into scary places from time to time. That makes four calls so far! We're so blessed you know. But we shouldn't ever forget it's only under the auspices of God that we can continue to--
- caller rings*
CHUCK: *stuttering* A f-f-f-f-fifth c-c-c-c-c-call? No, it can't, possible, no it can't. It can't
Emma: That sounds like Mike Litoris!
CHUCK: *thundering* DOCTOR? I AM NO LONGER A MERE DOCTOR. FOR NOW I AM LIKE UNTO A GOOOOOOD!!
Matt: Hi this is Professor Manglemath again, you said your finger slipped
CHUCK: SILENCE, PEON
Matt: *whimpering* What am I peeing on
Emma: I think you're peeing on Mike Litoris. Sorry, DOCTOR Mike--
CHUCK: LORD AND MASTER Mike Litoris
Joe: *gasp* Are you like Superman!?
CHUCK: NO, I AM MORE LIKE SUPERGOD. THE SUPERMAN TO GOD
Joe: I want a secret identity too! Whoosh, whoooooosh
Emma: Your running around is NOT helping matters, Kirk. Think of all the bombs you'll trigger
Matt: I don't want to alarm you, but according to my book, Numbers and Numerology: What the Numbers Floating in Space Teach Us About the Nature of God and Numbers, there's a sizable and substantial probability that the probability of a bomb is equal to are greater than 7(pi).
CHUCK: I am the bomb.
Emma: This podcast is going to need some editing.
Matt: Well I don't know what's going on but if you're going to edit this out and then be sure to put in all of my audio lectures as well as the first chapter of my audiobook, The Joy of Reciting Pi to the Jesusth Digit
CHUCK: PUNCH ME, SUPER KIRK HASTINGS. RIGHT ON THE JAW. FEEL MY EXPLOSIVE MIGHT
Joe: WHOOOOOOOOOSH, WHOOOOOOOOSH
Matt: 3.141592 ...
Emma: What is it, security? WHAT DO YOU MEAN A BROWN GUY WORKS HERE. DUCK FOR COVER!!