Oceania 2

Joe: And now for an ENCHAAANTING Meat Mutant Fairy Taaaale! You've seen Aladdin, you've seen Hercules, you've seen Pocahontas, The Exorcist, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, and Blood Diamond! You've seen every other culture's mythology on the planet get the Disney/Hollywood treatment! Now it's time to throw open the Vault and dust off THIS classic you didn't know was a classic!

Sina and the Eel:

Tropical island ambience!

Joe: [as some grody Samoan neckbeard] Yo, hey! Hey, Sina! Wanna hang out in my coconut garden? I promise I’ll let you guzzle down all the vitamins and minerals a babe like you will ever need! Hehehe

Emma: [as fair maiden Sina] Ohh, honestly, I’d love to, but I’ve got to... feed my eel.

Joe: What, just generally?

Emma: It’s a growing eel.

Joe: Well, uhhh, give me a holler when you’re not... feeding your eel.

Emma: It’s a huge one. Like, he eats a ton. Like, a ton.

Joe: Hey, if that’s the case maybe you could bring him along to my coco


Joe: ... Bye!

Emma: [muttering] Fuckin’, why’s there gotta be like twelve boys that aren’t taken yet at school, twelve boys and they’ve all got tiny peepees, what are the goddamn odds, fuckin’ gotta be something in the water or something, gods in heaven give me a rod that’s long and yummy in my tummy, fuckin’ need a cock that’ll knock me out next to the cock that wakes me

Emma: [as her gran gran] Honey, stop pacing and come inside already.

Emma: [as Sina, snapping out of her spiteful reverie] Oh hi Gran. What’s for dinner?

Emma: Roasted eel!

Emma: Yum! Hold on, I’ll go grab it.

Gran Gran: Heh?

[rushing through the hut]

Joe: [as the eel] Siiiiinaaaaaa <3

Sina: [total shock] HOLY! GRAN!? IT GOT HUGE!!

Gran Gran: Why, he’s been here since you caught him when you were 14! I thought you were keeping it as a pet.

Sina: I was, but now I’m hungry! FUCK ME, IT’S FILLED THE WHOLE JAR!


Gran Gran: Well isn’t that sweet.

Sina: OH GOD


Gran Gran: I just can’t cook an eel that affectionate!

Sina: OH GOD

Gran Gran: What is it, honey?

Sina: This must have happened when I made that wish this morning... I challenged the gods to supply me with a delicious huge but supple slab of long that supplied its own lube

Gran Gran: Aww, he just wants a hug!

Eel: Yes, Siinaaa, I loved your love! Now accept my looooove

Sina: Please define your love

[zapping of 300,000 volts] LOOOOOOVE

Sina: All right, Granny, we gotta run!

Gran Gran: But he just started my heart back up as many times as he stopped it! He’s harmle--WHOA

[sounds of Sina carrying Gran Gran out of the hut and lumbering away at top speed]

[some sort of wacky chase music]

Sina: [wheezing while heaving Gran Gran] Hewh Gods hugh Gran ehhg Gran couldn’t you heeegh lay off the eigh pork chops!

Gran Gran: Ohhh, my hips, stop making them sway so lewdly~~

Eel: [slithering blissfully after her] SINA, DON’T LEAVE MEEEEeeeee

Sina: Jiminy Christmas, he’s gaining! Granny, it’s time for the secret family technique!

Gran Gran: You don’t mean-



[Gyro spinning, super turbo propulsion]

[skidding to a halt]

[Village pool ambience]

Sina: Phewww... Lost ‘im!

Gran Gran: [exhausted, dizzy] ohhhhh

Sina: Sorry, Gran Gran. I’d say this is all my fault but... I don’t wanna. Here, let me fetch you some water from the village pool, it’s right there. Hang tight...

[sound of Sina taking some water in her hands and splashing her face, while the pool gets electrocuted a split second later]

Sina: [sheer terror] AHHH!

[emerging from the pool] Eel: LOOOOOOVE!!!(?)

Sina: [rattled but still sassy] E pupula mai, o mata o le alelo! YOU STARE AT ME, WITH EYES LIKE A DEMON! Quit that shit!

Joe: [as stern village chief] Whoa, there, what’s the commotion Sina—oh.

Eel: Love... rival?

Joe: Well, he isn’t the ugliest I’ve seen.

Sina: Chief! Just, listen... the faster you kill that thing, the faster I can change skirts.

Eel: Hate... HAAAATE!

Joe: No matter. You know, they say the best way to temper eel-meat is by cleaving it through with my chiefly spear.

Sina: That sounds awfully specific!

Joe: Luckily I make the RULES AROUND HERE!

[tosses spear manlily]

[kindly find the sound of a giant eel being torn asunder by a spear thrown at high velocity, complete with a death-rattle and death sparks of electricity as the poor creature meets its untimely demise]

Chief: Damn, missed the head and lungs so it can still talk as it’s dying.

Eel: Siiinaaa

Sina: Y-yes?

Eel: Siiinaaa, plant my head in the groooouund

Sina: Come again?

Eel: ahhhh

Sina: Well, I guess I did kind of love it over these years. I guess I should have taken better care of it or something.

Chief: Is that the moral of the story?

Sina: Actually maybe I should have never loved it at all!

Chief: That sounds wise.

Sina: But in any case, I’ll plant its head anyway. Magic and all. Besides these things only yield horror story outcomes when the protagonist isn’t flanked by the village chief! Have you been working out?

Chief: Not particularly, but I have a feeling I might need to start doing the rounds of pushups again if that head shoots forth some kind of evil eel-tree.

Sina: Spear at the ready!

[sounds of her planting the eel head into the ground. A coconut tree shoots out]

Sina: Whoaaa!!

Chief: I knew it, damn TREE! Brace for an eel-storm!

Gran Gran: It’s all right, it’s just a coconut tree!

Sina: Gran Gran!

Chief: Those coconuts doubtless contain innumerable swarming eels each.

Gran Gran: Fetch me one, won’t you, child? It’s just about time for supper, and my hips could use a rest!

Sina: Sure thing.

Chief: Hold! I advise strongly against... climbing...

[sounds of Sina huffing as she climbs up the tree and fetches a coconut]

Sina: *huff* *huff* Glad it’s not slimy *plucks coconut* Catch!

Chief: This is all exceedingly odd.

[coconut cracks on the ground]

Gran Gran: Oh my!

Sina: [falls to her feet] What is it?

Gran Gran: Look! There are three round marks!

Sina: You’re not telling me?

Chief: Hand it over. I’ll inspect it.

[inspects it]

Hmm. Hmmm. Hmmm.

Sina: Is biting it really necessary?

Chief: Hmm. No doubt about it. Those “three marks” are in fact…

Gran Gran: The face of the—

Chief: [dramatically] THE FACE OF THE EEL ITSELF.

Sina: So whenever I drink from a coconut—

Chief: YOU’LL BE KISSING THE EEL! No judgment, though.

Sina: ..Eh. Better than an eel-storm.

In Samoa, there’s a village pool that’s said to be the selfsame pool as in the legend, and it’s named after the words Sina said to the eel—Mata o le Alelo. It’s open to tourism, too! If you want a giant eel to chase you for a kiss, visit sunny Samoa!

Emma: Samoa: Beats Getting Chased By a Flying Whale Shark

Samoan mythologyEdit

You know, it feels so safe to plunge seditious daggers into a heartland myth when there’s so few of that ethnic group to get mad at you! Guess which aspects of the script were embellishments. Visit Wikipedia if you care enough!

Emma: I’m sure Islanders everywhere have a fantastic sense of humor. If they come to our homes with battering rams, it’ll be because your jokes were lame.

Right you are! Let’s talk a little bit more about this proud, proud, proud proud people.

One of the biggest islands/populations in Polynesia is on the Samoan Archipelago, comprising American Samoa in the east and the independent country of Samoa in the west—which broke away from NZ in the 60s. However that population is only around 250,000. Funnily enough, LDS has a strong presence in Samoa with a 38% member rate. The rest also identify themselves as Christian due to extremely successful broader missionary work, but of course in the syncretic way that allows the persistence of the traditional Samoan way of life. First, let's start off with the main deity dude of Samoan mythology, who's named--

The Bablyonian Queen of Heaven: Often considered the most prominent goddess in ancient Mesopotami...a...

Emma: Uh, hello?

Dammit! You know, it's lingering from the last JIS we did, but it's just SO EASY to mix up a deity you're revering with the Babylonian Queen of Heaven! I've gotta catch myself, man

Emma: You're right, whenever someone asks me who it is I don't worship, my tongue just instantly wants to spring with THE BABYLONIAN QUEEN OF HEAVEN

Tagaloa: Creator god, nine heavens, humans born of worms born of the vine he sent down to earth.

Nafanua: Goddess of war during a time of battle over the island’s land rights. The High Chief of the eastern side, in his bid to conquer the whole island and thereby gain the ultimate wealth and prestige, became heavy-handed with runaways to the west and punished them by forcing them to climb up trees feet first. When Nafanua’s poor uncle was subjected to this, Nafanua felled the tree, intending to use its splinters to craft weapons. However, when she waited for the bark to dry out, and returned, she discovered it had become covered in seashells, giving birth to the idiom: "E gase toa ae ola pule"—the shells are alive but the tree is dead. Which is to say, if you spare a vanquishing hand after you’ve defeated your enemies, that mercy will live on though the brave warriors may die. Destruction will be forgotten, but a steady, humane call for clemency will be remembered, keeping alive the possibility of reconciliation and gratitude. I don’t really see how that ties in with the seashells on the dead tree, but then I don’t know how to cook eggs sunny-side-up, which is to say, I’m an idiot.

In any case, Nafanua serendipitously brought an end to the war when the wind flipped her shirt and bared her breasts, revealing to the battlefield that there was a woman in their midst! The warriors felt shame and laid down their arms.

Kinda lame as far as goddesses of war go.


The God of the underworld, and Nafanua’s Dad. I’d encourage my kids to get in the killing business too if I were a Hades figure. Saveasi’uleo often took the form of a half-man half-eel, which perhaps wasn’t as endearing to the ladies as he believed, and so he abducted his baby mamma—his niece. His conjoined twin niece.

How do you choose which one of the conjoined twins is giving birth? One more for our upcoming RELIGION AND CONJOINED TWINS episode.

Interestingly, only chiefs were said to have souls—commoners were shit out of luck. The entrance into the spirit world is at a village on the western end of one of the big islands, an outcropping of volcanic rocks very near the International Date Line. The village once laid claim to the title “the last village to see the sunset of each day.” In 2011, Samoa shifted to west of the IDL in order to have neater business hours with its largest trading partners, Aus and NZ.

Returning to the conjoined twins, their names were

The Babylonian Queen of HeavGODDAMMIT!!

Ugh, just ugh

Tilafaiga and Taema: The aforementioned conjoined twins—their bodies joined back to back, which must be particularly torturous. In truth, their exact nature varies depending on the specific legend; sometimes they’re just normal twins. In one tale, their bodies were split apart when they got hit by a killer wave while swimming. They are said to be the ones who introduced the art of tattoo to the islands, which is understandable since they have so much more skin to work with.

French Polynesia Edit

The largest and most populated island is Tahiti. Tahiti's most populous area, incidentally, is... "Faaa."

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