DAVID, GOD’S CHAMPION
00:00 EMMA: WE’RE LEGIT, SEE WE PUT “INTERNATIONAL” THERE.
(just like International Rescue lol)
- when the title card appears* And if you order David now, you get another absolutely free!
00:14 We’re Marcus and Mandy! We’re glad that you came to visit the Wisers.
00:19 Emma: Well, it was rough ride getting here seeing as you kidnapped us
(don't worry, we will NOT be staying long)
00:23 Hullo, kids! Grandma’s his wife *smooch* Ooh!
- as Grandpa Wiser* If you had lips that would have been sweet
00:30 My best friend is Mike. We like to play ball.
00:33 Emma: They’re aiming to break their record of four windows broken in a day
(Marcus, TMI about playing with Mike's balls dude)
00:39 We have a surprise we want you to see.
00:41 Joe: And it’ll be the same surprise tomorrow and the next day, too!
00:45 So gather around and listen and look. You’ll learn about life from the world’s greatest book.
00:53 Emma: She hid a Hustler in there.
01:00 Shepherd, or Lion Puncher?
01:00 Joe: All right, I promise not to make any bestiality jokes.
Emma: Holding you to that then.
(you're an animal)
- as David, moronically* Durrr, what’s a harp doing here
Emma: What is he, grating cheese
Joe: He still thinks he’s with two hairy Philistine women.
01:16 While mama sheep rested, he’d watch the lambs play
01:19 Emma: Oh my God.
Joe: They must have met Abel.
Emma: Now what did we say about bestiality jokes?
Joe: They’re the height of comedy?
01:26 Each night, David counted the sheep in his fold.
01:28 Joe: He’s counting the same one over and over
Emma: It’s a sad fate, getting kicked in the head by livestock
01:35 If one sheep was missing, he’d go out at night…
01:40 Joe: He held a most magical flame, which moved not with the wind, and didn’t illuminate anything.
01:46 He’d walk through dark valleys, he wasn’t afraid.
01:50 Emma: You know there’s a reason the sheep is only shivering when David draws near.
Joe: *laugh* By the way, not the smartest place to put your torch, David. Unless you’re an expert at herding through forest fires.
Emma: Fuck, a lion in Israel?
Joe: That’s the most racist lion
02:12 He grabbed him and shook him. He prayed as he fought!
02:16 Emma: Mommy, why is David always drenched in blood and screaming when he prays?
02:21 He killed that big cat! He knew it was God.
02:24 Joe: Oh shit, he killed God!
02:24 All he had were his hands, and a rod.
02:28 Emma: NO COMMENT.
(that's all a man needs)
02:30 David was learning when God is your friend and you do what it right, you will win…
02:36 Joe: A sheep. As your bride.
Emma: STOP IT.
Joe: Okay starting now!
02:42 The Sheep Whisperer
02:42 That lion gave me a frightening surprise!
02:47 Emma: And that’s why Grandpa calls his surprise “The Lion.”
02:53 Joe: Oh God the black kid is staring at us
Emma: Don’t get the wrong idea, he’s just the black sheep of the family, it’s okay.
03:04 I am God’s lamb and I know that he, always will take good care of me
03:14 Joe: Worst Ozzie Osborne opener ever
03:17 …He’s the best I could ever fiiiiind
03:24 Emma: If only it had turned the corner it’d have found Krishna
03:31 Joe: Guess the two that aren’t the help.
Emma: Does the sheep count?
03:42 Joe: Unbeknownst to them, they were reciting hymns in the greatest moonshine hidey hole this side of the Mason-Dixon line.
03:56 Emma: That’s a lot of rope. Use it.
04:02 Joe: They have to go through this every night just to put that stupid sheep to sleep.
04:10 Emma: For fuck’s sake when does this end!?
Joe: We get it already, the moral is Christ will suck your scrotum whenever you like
04:18 I know his love will never end! All because God is my friend.
04:28 Emma: I’ll be your friend if you put this duct tape over your mouth
Joe: You forgot the magic words.
Emma: Oh, you’re right, I’m dreadfully sorry! I’ll be your friend if you put this duct tape over your stupid whore mouth.
04:42 That Song Was Only Two Minutes of Forever
04:44 Emma: I know it’s God’s voice when he starts his commands with the word “crucify.”
04:47 The prophet Samuel knew God’s voice. He wanted to obey… on his way to Jesse’s house…
04:57 Emma: What are those blue things? Lol are those supposed to be rocks.
OMG, I THINK THEY'RE BODIES (need to record this)
Joe: Could be animal skins
05:03 Jesse, tell your sons to come. God told me that one will be the future king of Israel!
05:10 Joe: That’s a lot of skull motion, because it takes that much effort for stupid people.
05:15 Seven sons stood straight and tall.
05:18 Emma: Dunno about straight.
05:19 To each one, God said ‘No.” Samuel asked “Are there some more?”
- as Samuel* I’ll keep them in my beard.
O5:31 There IS one more. But he’s a lad. He’s my youngest son.
05:37 Joe: AAHHHUUGHH
Emma: The humanity!
05:41 This had to be the one.
05:44 Emma: NO COMMENT NO COMMENT NO COMMENT NO COMMENT
Joe: “Uhh, why does this bottle smell like piss?” “No David, this is just my night buddy.”
Emma: He ate so many lemons his piss now dissolves clothes
Joe: …Really? We’re going to dwell on this!?
06:07 Did God Make Phone Calls?
06:07 Joe: Great, now the FBI’s gonna call
06:17 Emma: Oh no, she’s following Samuel’s example! Run for it, Mimi!! Ruuuun!!
06:24 …And he knows your name too!
- as Grandma Wiser* Can’t run without kneecaps, Mimi!
06:35 When Samuel was a little boy, he heard God’s voice one night, he thought it was the priest Eli--
06:45 Joe: “He smelled like booze and pipe”
(who always told him not to bite)
06:48 Eli told him it was God, and told him what to dooo, so Samuel learned when he was young, that God will talk to yoooouuuuu.
07:00 Joe: When a messenger arrives and he’s slaughtered by two she-bears, that’s how you’ll know God’s talking to you, Mimi.
Emma: If it’s just one she-bear, then that’s Satan up to his usual tricks.
Joe: If they’re male bears, then you might as well just end yourself right there because the world is naught but lies!
07:18 Yes God can talk to anyone, and every single daaaaay, so if you want to hear God’s voice--
07:28 Emma: Buck a minute’s what you pay.
07:31 For why should God keep talking to someone who will not hear?
07:37 Joe: Because he’s all-good and has infinite patience?
(yeah, fuck deaf people)
07:45 Listen listen God will talk to you, and he’ll help in all the things you do
07:54 Emma: Teaching kids to strain themselves to catch imaginary voices is pretty fucked up.
08:01 Such a Philistine!
08:01 Joe: Oh good, something that’s not head-smashingly boring!
08:04 For thousands of years—
08:06 Emma: So that’s who’s been narrating.
(I thought the narrator had a frog in his throat).
08:09 A group of five stones no one ever took.
- as the frog* What’d you call my kids!?
08:17 The five of us sat there, until we were found. For days we had heard this great giant mock.
- as Goliath* You can’t even guess the size of my cock!!
08:36 Joe: They killed his lion, the bastards
(those lyin' bastards)
08:42 His spirit was stirred by this infidel’s cry
08:45 Joe: “You had me at bobobo”
08:47 He came to the brook, and we heard him say
08:49 Emma: The little known miracle of the arms of staggered teleportation.
08:56 Inside his pouch, the pebbles sat.
08:59 Joe: You’re not dreaming, folks. They’re really made a kid-friendly cartoon mascot out of what is essentially a murder weapon.
(you heard right - he had stones in his pouch)
09:05 The next thing I knew I was inside his sling.
09:07 Emma: David’s technique requires years of wrist dislocation
09:11 I found myself flying towards Goliath’s big head! And I knew I was doing what David had said! The path I was taking was inches off course! But then I was steered by a heavenly force!
09:26 Joe: Why didn’t he just fix David’s aim in the first place
Emma: Why didn’t God just strike Goliath dead?
Joe: Why was Goliath ever born to begin with?
- as David* Yeah, it’s you yellow motherfuckers next!
09:45 A ROCKing Tune!! Kill Me
09:47 God needs your help. He can’t do it alone!
09:50 Joe: WHY
09:51 Kids, if you think you’re too small, just remember David’s little stone.
09:56 Emma: He had to show them, they’ve never left his compound
10:03 Joe: They’re not.
10:06 I’m just, a stone. So round and smooth and fat, I’m just, a stone
10:16 Emma: You know you’ve got a drinking problem (you're really stoned) when you’re serenaded by the stones you pass.
10:22 Untiiill one day, God said today that is just the stone, to help settle the spat.
10:35 Joe: Where are all the red splotches on this guy, where are the grey noodles of brain matter
10:42 …An ordinary (???), I’m just a stone
10:48 Emma: I’m thinking they deliberately made the stone in the story eroded by river water so they could slap some eyes on that abortion of a puppet and call it a day
Joe: I like how they never explain why the Philistines were evil. So I guess if any of their classmates starts talking shit about God Mimi’s totally justified in going medieval on their asses.
11:11 I’m just a stone
11:15 Joe: I’m fond of forehead flesh, I like the crunch of bone, and Philistines to thresh
(I'm fond of cracking heads, I like the crunch of bone, and Philistine's being dead)
11:26 If God could use a little stone like me, he’ll use you too
11:36 Emma: Fling you at enemies.
(God is such a user)
11:47 The Hallowed Kingdom of Retardia
10:53 David left home and moved in with King Saul
11:55 Joe: Lol what is this, a Down Syndrome stare down?
Emma: The real question is, what are their lower halves doing?
12:03 Saul had a son about David’s own size
12:05 Joe: Aaaand it’s official. This is a home for special needs children they called a “castle.”
12:13 The Prince and the Shepherd vowed nothing would part. The love and the friendship they had in their heart.
12:21 Emma: Prepare for your dreams to be pulverized, children!
12:32 Joe: Look at all the love and attention went into making their spearheads uniform
12:40 Emma: David is not impressed.
Joe: We’re just as bored as you are, man.
10:46 Saul became jealous, his heart filled with hate.
10:50 Emma: And his beard filled with the ticks of envy.
12:51 David enjoyed the new life that he had and wasn’t aware that King Saul was there. He planned to kill David, he missed his first throw
Joe: Okay, look, no one’s saying his aim is the greatest, but he tried! I think we should give him a cookie for effort.
13:09 Jonathan knew his father was wrong and tried to explain “It was only a song.”
13:17 Emma: Can’t a man of this kingdom even enjoy renditions of “We Want To Fuck You Over Saul’s Steaming Corpse” anymore!?
13:26 Joe: Saul’s got a really lame crown. That’s barely a tiara even.
13:36 Sombrero Song
13:36 “Hi, Jack. Since we’re friends, let’s make a vow. You say hee haw, I saw bow wooooooow.”
“Hee hawww. Hee hawww.”
13:53 Joe: …The fuck was that!?
13:56 “Some friends, are fake, but God is not at all like that! They’re like, a snake, or sometimes like a great big rat. Be careful they might biiite.”
14:08 Emma: You go squeak squeak, I’ll go hisssssss.
(A great big trouser snake? I'll be friends with that.)
Joe: Hisssss. Hisssss.
14:15 “… Who always tries to have you do the things that are not riiiight.”
14:21 Joe: A true friend lets you know sombreros are out this season.
14:26 “But they will never go against God’s plan.”
14:30 Emma: Isn’t going against God’s plan impossible anyway?
Joe: Sombreros are always against God’s plan.
Emma: Since contravening God’s plan is impossible, this song is teaching us that it’s okay to hold absolutely anyone as your friend, no matter what.
Joe: Is the village’s old coot exploding with joy at the prospect of oiling up the head of the innocent young man who wouldn’t hurt a fly? It’s legit.
14:52 “You put your trust in Jesus as your greatest friend.”
14:59 Emma: How healthy can it be to teach kids that they should rely on an invisible best friend?
1505 “He’ll help, you too, you’ll know him better every day. Make Jeeesuuuus your best frieeeeeend. YEAH.”
15:17 Joe: They can buy all the miniature sombreros they like, nothing’s gonna top the fucking rock.
15:22 King Saul’s Got Mimi Disease
15:22 “King Saul had lied and now he tried, to cover it--
15:26 [[[[[Saul’s eyes goes buggy before the sentence ends]]]]
Emma: Whooaa, looks like somebody caught Mimi’s eye disease!
Joe: Either Israel was the world’s genetic dump, or this animator had wacky eyes himself.
Emma: How can you hate the poor bastard, I mean really. He can’t even land spears at point blank range.
15:40 He had to get away. He didn’t know WHERE he should go.
15:45 Joe: King’s just letting him run in circles while they figure out how to throw sharp things ONCE AND FOR ALL.
15:51 Saul would chase from, place to place, his heart was filled with ‘ate. He must destroy this shepherd boy, before it was too late.
16:04 Emma: Horses’d probably help.
16:07 The moon was bright and David said “Let’s go!”
16:12 Joe: Jeff Foxworthy—The Early Years.
16:16 They wanted Saul to know. They took his spear, and camping gear…
16:20 Emma: The king this country deserves.
Joe: All the leaders of the world were impressed by this nation’s audacious retardation.
16:27 “…Why do you want ME dead?”
16:30 Emma: It’s for your gorgeous scalp, David.
Joe: Guy’s got a chin like an upside-down Beluga.
Emma: ….Aaaand scene.
16:41 The Truth Will Set Us Free
16:41 “Saul hadn’t listened to what Samuel said. So God gave his kingdom to David instead.”
- as one of the kids* Grandpa, can we eat now?
- (I'll put something in your mouth soon....)
Cocaine’s a hell of a drug
19:02 David’s parade
19:08 When David was 30, at last, he was king.
19:12 Joe: Of course, by that time the population had degenerated into purple slime people.
- enervated/meh* Hail. Hail.
19:21 Chariots, and horses…
19:22 Joe: Were the king’s trusted advisors.
19:27 Soldiers in armor and fancy parades.
19:31 Emma: A fancy parade of four dudes.
19:33 King David was fair in the way that he reigned. He stopped to listen when people complained.
- as David* No, I haven’t seen your goddamn sheep.
19:45 When armies attacked, he asked God how to fight.
19:49 Emma: “Make sure all of your enemies are very stupid.” Got it.
19:54 The prince, David’s friend, had a son who was lame. At David’s request, Meshibbafeth (??) came.
20:06 Joe: Is that wall supposed to be wood?
Emma: I like how the door knob looks more like an open hole.
20:15 The prince had been killed!
20:16 Joe: Damn that rock’s bloodlust!
20:19 David protected his son, who was scared.
20:23 Emma: This is not the most riveting tale ever told. Kids especially would be bored to tears. But, if this was designed to be a sleep aid, then it’s brilliant.
Joe: At best, the kids’ll be laughing at all the dumb looks on everyone’s faces.
20:34 You’ll be like my son! Forget about what your grandfather has done. Meshibefuck moved. His life had been tough.
20:42 Emma: And this how you eat fruit.
- as David* “Make everyone else just as crippled? As dawn breaks, so you shall have it, my son.”
- as Mesibbifuck, bratty teenager* “This palace SUUUUCKS. Where are all the concubines? SOLOMON had concubines!”
21:03 Long Live the King
21:05 Joe: Jesus, how much free time do the Wisers have?
Emma: Remind me to die young.
21:11 Long live the King, long live the King, when the King is good we say long live the King. David was a shepherd who really loved his sheep.
- as Grandpa Wiser* He really really really really really loved his sheep.
Emma: Oh no.
21:27 He oiled their wounds, he led them to green pastures where they’d eat, and soothe them when he’d play them songs with melodies so sweet.
21:36 Joe: You know they say David is the reason sheep are white.
Emma: …You mean because he scares them so much?
Emma: Oh God.
21:44 Whatever David did he was faithful and so kind. Always faithful to his friends, no better man you’d find.
21:52 Joe: And if the friends of David see the men who’re half sheep, they’ll soon find that wads of wool can smother as they sleep. LONG LIVE THE SHEEP, LONG LIVE THE SHEEP, WHEN THE SHEEP HAVE HOLES WE SAY LONG LIVE THE SHEEP MEN WHOSE DIVINE FLEECE SEEMS LIKE UNTO THE SEEDS OF A GOD OF BEAUTY AND HOLINESS AND WHOSE LOVE IS THE PUREST ON THE EARTH AND—
Emma: Uhh, Joe, are you okay?
Joe: BAHHHHHHH. BAAAAHHHHHHHH.
Emma: Oh, bugger. You held in the bestiality jokes for so long you just exploded. WITH THOSE JOKES, I MEAN!
Joe: AND THE SHEEP GOES BOW WOOWWW
Emma: Well, this isn’t anything a little duct tape can’t fix. There, now I’m in charge of this riff.
Emma: Goddammit, it’s already over.
Emma: Wait, wouldn’t this be the second time I’ve silenced you like this
Emma: I can get used to this.
Emma: Ah fuck it. HEE HAW
Joe: BOW WOWWW
Emma: HEE HAW. HEE HAW.
Joe: BOWW WOOOOWWW
- ad infinitum*