00:04 Emma: Mufasa?
00:07 Joe: David killed that lion offscreen.
00:11 Emma: GREATEST HEROES AND LEGENDS OF THE BIBLE Bible bible
00:20 Joe: Two dawns in one day!
Prepare to embark on a REMARKABLE journey! Meet your tour guide, Simon!
00:28 Emma: By gorsh he's the whitest bluest-eyed Semite you'll ever meet!
With them enter an ancient world where the extraordinary deeds of ordinary men will forever alter the course of history!
00:43 Joe: Thats not mist, the camel just ate too much.
00:48 Emma: *as the serpent* Deeelightful~
Joe: Satan was Eve's porn manager
00:55 Emma: Whoa, it's Bluto
01:00 Joe: *as Samson* BUT DOES IT SING
01:06 Emma: It's not quite as endearing without the Wisers, is it
Joe: Don't worry, I'm sure they'll pop up with a song about how only Jesus is allowed to wear facial hair because he's housed in God's pubes
Emma: Good, because this unholy animation that exceeds a frame per second is giving me whiplash
Joe: Somebody should tell these guys that God-sanctioned cartoons should make everybody look like they're spastic teleporters for the LORD
Witness unforgettable adventures! About kings and shepherds... Warriors and prophets! The GREATEST HEROES AND LEGENDS OF THE BIBLE
01:43 Emma: Are elsewhere.
Joe: Wait, I ordered shittiest losers and nobodies of the bible! Gyp!
01:52 Emma: He's so fair he can only go out at night, like a vampire
01:56 Joe: Look it's JESUS!!
02:09 Emma: Running to and fro is FORBIDDEN DANCING. Ninety lashes on the developmental areas!
In the late thirteenth century BC, the Philistines conquered Canaan, and forced the Israelites to live as a scattered people in the mountainous regions! Here in Zora, a city of the Israelite tribe of Dan, lived a simple shepherd named Minoa.
02:32 Emma: GOT THAT!?
Joe: So wait, is this kid a time traveler? Wouldn't it be intrusive if some dude from the future popped by to narrate whatever you were doing at the moment?
Emma: And with that superior tone, too.
02:48 Joe: Dammit, the kids NEVER fall for her lure!
02:53 Emma: *as her* Which of those is mine again?
Run! Run to your homes, children! The Philistines are coming! Run!!
03:06 Emma: She suspects the flowers.
The Philistines are here to collect food!
03:11 Joe: "That's why I came to get YOU"
Why won't the LORD answer our prayers for a child? Didn't you hear me, the Philistines are coming!
03:18 Emma: "Are they coming with children?"
I know what day it is! The ration basket is ready! I will never understand how you handle the Philistines so calmly.
03:31 Joe: You've just got to grip the shaft.
Emma: Become God's chosen and be emotionally dead!
Do you think it's something we've done?
03:44 Joe: SHE KNOWS.
Perhaps the LORD doesn't want us to raise a child in these hard times.
03:54 Emma: It's because they invented the maracas
But I feel like I've failed you!
03:58 Joe: "If only we weren't 80 years old!"
Let's try to focus on the good, and count our many blessings!
04:05 Joe: BLESSING NUMBER OOOOOOONE
Emma: That pot actually killed that guy's family
Joe: HAIL TO THE AVENGER
04:16 Emma: And they passed a pleasant afternoon together.
04:25 Joe: *as God* WHAT DID I TELL YOU WOMEN ABOUT FRUIT
The LORD your God has chosen you to bear a child that will begin Israel's freedom from the Philistines! While pregnant, you must follow these rules: Do not eat or drink from the fruit of the vine. Do not eat any unclean foods...
04:45 Emma: Well it's unclean NOW.
Your son shall be a Nazarite, a child chosen by God. No one should ever cut his hair...
04:53 Joe: Afros are power!
04:57 Emma: "But will he look as dumb as you do?"
Follow the rules set forth by God. And you, will have a son."
05:03 Joe: No Mufasa wait!
Minoa prayed for the angel to return, and teach them how to raise their child
05:14 Emma: "I feel distinctly violated."
And the angel did return to reaffirm the LORD's promise!
05:25 Joe: It's only now she realizes that grapes were only ever the whores of the fruit world
05:32 Emma: "Uhhh, a single kid is fine for now, thanks!"
05:36 *snorting* Joe: Glub glub.
Noah's wife followed the LORD's orders. And she gave birth to a son. He's the biggest baby I've ever seen!
05:50 Emma: "You mean I looked fat!?"
Joe: "Look honey, baby can even take punches!"
05:56 Emma: I like how he's already born with a coif.
Ow! What a grip!
06:04 Emma: "I've done far worse to you in bed, pumpkin."
Let's call him... SAMSON. Samson! Blessed by God.
06:15 Joe: OH IS THAT WHAT THAT MEANS
Minoa and his wife soon learned that Samson wasn't like the other boys
06:27 Emma: Especially after he bent all the other boys in half.
...An angel came to Minoa's wife. God has chosen to give you a so-uhn...
06:40 Joe: OMG look at the donkey!
Emma: Wha?... OH FUCK THEY GON' DIE
Joe: Somebody put a sombrero on it, quick!!
And he's gonna be a true Nazarite. He'll stand up against the Philistines!
Emma: He'll crush their skulls into a paste!
He'll be praised and honored everywhere!
Joe: But only after murdering all his enemies!
Do what God says what the Angel Man??
Emma: What the Angel Man?
Joe: They could have picked a better singer, methinks.
07:06 Emma: Haha, now he's a cripple.
07:11 Joe: Yeah kid but can you do it with your MIND?
As Samson grew older, he became well known in Canaan for his great strength. He was especially popular with young women.
07:29 Emma: What are those strumpets doing outside without male relatives
Come on, Samson, take a turn!
07:34 Joe: "All right but one of my 'turns' takes several cauldrons."
But the beautiful ladies WANT to see it, riiiight? YEEEEES.
07:44 Emma: We ARE beautiful!
I can't it's full of *water* ahem ahem
07:47 Joe: "Don't be stupid, Samson, all this crack isn't going to move itself!"
Everyone knows your the strongest man in all of Canaan!
Emma: Shyeah brah
I bet he can't lift the pot.
Joe: "This isn't pot. It's crack."
Emma: She never cuts her hair, either. It's a match made in heaven
08:10 Joe: I don't know if she's being sultry or coming off Rufalin
I hope you're as strong as you look.
08:16 Emma: "I also hope your penis is veeery big."
08:22 Joe: *sniff sniff, sniff sniff* "You're good."
08:25 *Random noises of mingled disgust and admiration*
08:30 Emma: Shouldn't the water be splashing down her?
Joe: Samson you sly
You ARE the strongest man in Canaan!
08:35 Joe: Those aren't his pupils, that's her sombrero
Mother, Father, I found the woman I wish to marry!
Emma: Dad's pacing before he even heard his words
In TIMNAH!? You mean you want to marry a Philistine girl!? She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I want you to go to Timnah to arrange our marriage
Joe: "Not you, Mom, you're too ugly."
...Oh Samson! Can't you find a nice Jewish girl here in Zora? But Mother!
Joe: "I have all of them!"
Emma: "I knew I should have aborted you!"
This is completely unacceptable. You cannot marry a Philistine!
Joe: "But Philistine ends in 'stein,' they're Jewish too!"
Now look you've made your mother cry! Oh mother...
Emma: "Will you be a good racist now?"
Then why, Samson, why a Philistine? Because until today, I've never seen a woman as lovely as you! Please, I'm sure you and Father will like her,
Joe: "She doesn't have opinions so there's nothing to object to!"
Oh what'll we do, Minoa? I just don't understand him sometimes?"
Emma: What's there to understand? The bulge ain't a banana, lady
09:56 Joe: Riveting strolling action!
00:04 Joe: He looks a lot like Spoony, doesn't he
00:08 Emma: He just noticed how heroic his shnoz is
00:12 Joe: WHOA FUCK STEALTH LION
Be good kitty, be good
00:19 Emma: WHY THE EVIL LION GOTTA BE BLACK
00:25 Joe: Samson's ears have gotta be ruptured with all that roaring so close to his head
Emma: The roars liquefied his brain, explaining his subsequent actions.
Joe: "THAT'S NOT THE PUSSY I WANTED AT ALL!"
00:35 Emma: Shouldn't it be a lioness?
Joe: It should be a pack of lionesses
Emma: Wouldn't it be hilarious if Samson saved the tribe of Dan by serving as super nutritious beefcake for the lions, making them an unstoppable killing force that devoured the Philistines
Good. I said be good.
00:53 Both: LOL
Joe: He WAS being good!!
Emma: "And that's for being ugly."
01:01 Joe: "Next time it'll be a hippo."
Talk about the power of the LORD! I must keep this to myself.
01:10 Emma: Lions own the courts round these parts
01:18 Why won't you tell me what happened, anyway?
Joe: "You're not worth it."
Ow, that stings!' For such a strong man you're behaving more like a baby! Nothing, not even wild beasts could stop me from seeing you again.
01:36 Emma: "Are you calling me a wild beast!?"
I didn't think you would return. After all, I am a Philistine. If it were up to my parents I wouldn't have, but I persisted.
01:50 Joe: "Wait, how long have we known each other?"
01:54 Well, I think it's safe to say they approve now!
01:58 Joe: "Ap-, proove..."
Good as new. Pretty good, let's test it out!
Emma: Bring him some lions.
What are you DOing?' It took ten men to lift each one into place.
Joe: He's so skilled he can lift the smoothest of boulders
02:18 Emma: "Oy vey"
02:28 Joe: THAT'S NOT IN THE BIBLE~
02:33 Emma: "Duh-haaaa!"
Joe: One of the most nuanced relationships of all time
02:41 Look, a Danite clown!
Emma: (BTW, CLOWN!!!!) Is it really the smartest idea to antagonize a guy who's juggling boulders?
Samson, you don't want to upset my father before we are MArried, do you? Of course not, Chsherah. You marry HIM?
Joe: "You met him an hour ago!"
He's beneath you, Sherah, there's no way your father will allow it!' It's already arranged.
Emma: "Samson will simply break him."
But Sherah... I waited 2 years for your proposal, I couldn't wait forever
Joe: Yeah, she can't wait till she's fifteen to marry
She said he already has. Good day soldier. Here, why don't you try?
Emma: No Samson, those are people, not lions!
03:26 Joe: "So that's what a foreskin looks like."
03:33 Emma: See, cartoon bonks, it's for kids now
Ooohh, one day I'm gonna get him.
Joe: What, no groans of admiration?
03:44 Emma: Padding for the LORD
On the way to Zora, Samson stopped to check on his conquest
Joe: That's what a wingman's for, dude
There, he received a gift.
Emma: Oh what is this bed bath and beyond shit
Joe: It's a bowling ball
Look at that! Honey!
04:14 Joe: "I can hear the ocean."
Even though he held an entire beehive in his hand, not one bee stung him.
Emma: He wore it like a glove THE BEES THE BEES!
Samson didn't tell his parents what had happened. Samson, I present you with 30 escorts for ya de bla bla fucking probably
04:36 Joe: Ya de bla lots of fucking yaaaay!
May you endure the next seven days and be married to my daughter Sherah
04:47 Emma: His other daughter will marry him next week
Joe: I'm expecting drama from the lions during the ceremony
Thank you, I'm honored to have you as my escorts. If it's not in violation of your traditions, I would like to propose an activity. Tell us, we're at your service! Are you Philistines up for a good challenge? We're the most powerful people in Canaan, why shouldn't we be?
Emma: Mazel tov
I bet each of you one fine linen robe and one work robe that you can't solve my riddle. An Israelit'es riddle, what's the challenge in that!?
Joe: "By the way fuck your kind!"
Where is a poor Danite going to get thirty sets of robes and thirty whatevers? Don't worry about me. Let's hear the riddle. Blah de blah. Here it is: Out of the eater, something to eat. Out of the strong, something sweet.
Emma: Obviously it's bodybuilders 69ing each other
What kind of riddle is that? We can't possibly answer it!' Hahaha, you have seven days, that's the deal.
On the day of the festivities--
Joe: This is how she keeps up her acuity
Who's there? Is that you, Samson?' It's not Samson.What do you want? You know exactly what we want!
Emma: "Peaceful trade negotiations!"
No, no I don't. As you know, we made a little wager with your DANITE husband.
Joe: Which husband?
Yes, it's fun. FUN!? There's a lot at stake here! It's been four days and we still have no chance of solving his silly riddle!' We want the answer! W'ell, get it!
Emma: "It?" THE CLOWN?
Sherah, you see, the problem is, no one wants to pay the Danite
Joe: Wouldn't they be paying her as well
Emma: Those granny jammies are making him way too hot to keep his head straight
You better do what he says, no Danite is going to ruin us! But! I didn't want it to come to this, Sherah
Joe: But my face is forcing my brain to comply
We'll burn down your house with you and your father in it
Emma: Wow. They must really like their robes
Don't think we won't do it. Do I make myself clear?
Emma: "I had a house?"
Good. You have 3 days.
Joe: Later he'll propose to her the same way
Sherah, why do you look so sad?
Emma: And how did you become hunchbacked
Samson, do you trust me?
Joe: Only as far as I can throw you
Do you love me, Samson? How can you even ask that, Sherah?
Emma: "I saw the Whores Illustrated on the dinette."
How am I supposed to know you love me if you won't even trust me with the answer.
Joe: The answer is three black eyes if you don't shut up
You must believe me, of course I blah de blah. Then entrust me with your secret.
Emma: "And I already know about your serial killing for hair gel."
I can't. I just can't. I haven't even told my mother or father
Joe: Nor the bees
You DON'T love me! Three days Sherah pleaded with Samson to tell her the answer to the riddle' and finally he could stand her tears no longer
Emma: History's worst honeymoon
You DO trust me! Of COURSE I trust you! It's the escorts I don't trust.' They could have pressured you for the answer. I would never have told. Remember when 'I came to court you, and I had these scratches?
Joe: Do you remember the book and verse?
On the way from Zora, I killed a lion with my bare hands
Emma: "I couldn't stop laughing so I bit my finger."
Then on my way home, in the lion's mouth, I found the sweet honey of bees!
Joe: "Lions don't make honey?"
Emma: Little did they know he was the lion all along
Joe: That's quite some banquet they've got going
Emma: Are those loaves of bread or an armadillo shell
Gentlemen, I believe the time has come to settle a score. Ahahahaha
Joe: Samson just silently stared at them for two hours before banging the table.
Do not be so quick to declare victory, Samson. Why, no one knows the answer! It isn't sunset yet.
Emma: And they resolved to construct a harness for the sun
What is blah de blah stronger than a lion? WHAT!? You heard me, we solved the riddle, you owe us thirty sets of clothes and thirty linen robes!
Ahahaha! Samson!? If you had not coerced my wife, you would have never answered my riddle!
Joe: And you've got the moral high ground why exactly? You whipped up a deliberately impossible in order to cheat your escorts out of a fancy wardrobe
Emma: That's why they had the Philistines threaten to kill Sherah's dad, just to make Samson's dickery seem less colossal
- dude on the table looks bored while Sherah bawls*
Joe: "What's all this then?"
You lost a wager, Samson! Are you a man of honor? Or a welcher? I wear a large! I like bread!
Emma: lol must be the guy who brought the loaves!
Even though you cheated me. Samson~ pobwowowoiing
00:38 Joe: "Oh it's a wonderful night for skulking, oh yes what a wonderful night to skulk~"
Emma: "Say sir, did anybody ever tell you what a fine wearing you'd make?"
It puts the lotion on its skin.
Joe: "Just scooooping out the brains, just scooooping out the brains~"
00:54 Emma: *I* think his chin is his bash bludgeon.
01:02 Joe: JESUS
Emma: Don't worry I'm sure it's just rape
Joe: I don't think he's terribly fussy about distinguishing murder from rape
In a fit of vengeful rage, 'Samson killed THIRTY Philistines! Beginning his violent history with the oppressors of Israel's children
Emma: And earning himself a badge!
01:24 Joe: That was a rather stealthy murderous jaunt
There are your clothes Now, I'm done with you!
Emma: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
01:37 Joe: She spent all night sticking her lips with bees
ALL of you.
01:42 Emma: "Does all include me"
01:45 Joe: "So I heard you killed thirty, son."
01:48 Emma: I see Samson's conscience is fine, I'm relieved
Samson! You can't lie around like this forever.
Joe: "Not when there's more mansnuffing to do!"
But I still want her for my wife
Emma: Samson now has trouble not referring to people as articles of clothing
If you want Sherah so badly go back to Timnah and apologize to her!' Maybe she didn't give them the answer!
Joe: "Give her some Philistines as mittens!"
02:17 Emma: Someone told Samson to get a life, so he took thirty
Sherah! Samson, what are YOU doing here!?
Joe: "Clothes shopping!"
I've come to apologize and see my wife
Emma: "I'm pointing to her now"
Well, I can't permit that, Samson, you see, Sherah' is married to someone else!
Joe: "Also you killed thirty of my brothers."
No, not technically. You ran off before the ceremony was complete!' You said you hated her, what was I to do!?
Joe: "BURN HER FATHER"
You can marry my younger daughter, she's FAR prettier than Sherah, please, take her!' I don't want her! You, you Philistine!' You'll pay! You'll all pay for this!
Emma: "Now who will I break open this lamb with!?"
03:14 Joe: "Come back here Sherah!"
Emma: Human cruelty, animal cruelty, what's not to love about Samson?
03:21 Joe: "Philistines eat dogs, right?"
You Philistines have taken advantage of my people for far too long!
03:32 Emma: Samson needs his eyes checked, judging by the snouts and fur and rancid smell those are clearly Moabites, not Philistines
Samson Samson you're growing strong
Joe: It takes great strength to tie sticks to animals Samson is grumpy and throws a stick on the ground 03: 43 Joes: Don't pick up those sticks (dramatic, fading voice)
Happy music and howling foxes in a cage. 03: 47 Ems: ooh - happy days!!
You just keep getting stronger..... 03: 57 Ems: Siri, call RSPCA
you're sweeter than the honey from the bees 04: 05 Joes: Are we watching the same Samson?
lit foxes running amock 04: 10 Ems: Happy, happy days
howling foxes run into the corn 04: 15 Joes: And millions of children are scarred forever
Samson lights another stick 04: 19 Ems: No half measures, I see
Fox runs around with tail on fire 04: 29 Joes: this is where the term "tail light" originated
Fox's tail sets fire to corn 04: 33 Ems: You're the firestarter, twisted firestater (In Prodigy Style)
More foxes on fire 04: 45 Joes: (as little kid crying) Mummy, please let me watch Lassie..... Ems: NO! You need to learn about how much God loves you!! Now sit and watch, or you'll burn in hell like these puppies!!
Impossible..... 05: 03 Joes: There's smoke around me, but I'm not stoned!
You saw Samson Sir.... 05: 12 Joes: Yes, I did. Hmm, maybe I AM stoned.
Burn his house down. Make sure he and his daughter are home..... 05: 27 Ems: And definitely make sure there are children watching.
Scene of burned down house with one bit of cloth left untouched. 05: 32 Joes: The only thing to survive the fire was a miraculous Sham-Wow.
Samson picks up the Sham-Wow 05: 38 Joes: Note to self: don't tie this shit to a foxe's arse
"You think this is gonna stop me?" 05: 48 Ems: Oh no, happy music again, that can only mean one thing
".....He killed more than a thousand Philistines...." 05: 57 Joes: I also kill many thousands when I’m feeling down
Philistine screams while being killed by Samson. 06: 06 Ems: OMG, is that one of that guy's balls? Samson really is a sick fuck.
Narrator picks up the supposed testicle. 06: 13 Joes: Ghuuhhhhh
"We have come for Samson" 06: 21 Ems: We desperately need to know what hair care products he uses.
Sammy sits in a cave by a fire. 06: 35 Joes: He obviously found enough foxes to make himself a fire.
06: 41 Ems: Hope this smell pleases the LORD
Men walk up to Sammy 06: 46 Ems: People, or kindling?
06: 56 Joes: "I'll go quietly, if you promise not to kill me" And give me all of your women.
The dudes tie up Samson 07: 06 Ems: "Tighter."
The ropes are tightened around Samson's chest 07: 12 Joes: Don't forget the neck, boys.....
07:23 Joe: "Nyah."
07:27 Emma: That animal he slaughtered for kicks evokes mixed memories
Go back to the others. I don't want you to get hurt if there's any trouble.
07:35 Joe: "I want you hurt when there's no trouble."
07:43 Emma: Whoa there
Joe: Now that they know Samson lacks nose hairs, they have a distinct advantage
What's your worry, he's bound! Look at him
07:51 Emma: Giddy with thoughts of red sand
08:01 Joe: LORD, WHERE DID THE REST OF THE DONKEY GO
08:07 Emma: "Holy hell, look at that jawbone!"
08:11 Both: LOL
Don't run! He can't defend himself against an entire army!
Joe: And the sun flared because it's cheering us on
08:25 Emma: Mon dieu
08:33 Joe: BYE FATHERS AND HUSBANDS
08:39 Emma: lol where'd this guy learn swordsmanship
Joe: Clearly the best tactic is to plod forward with your blade thrust out
08:50 Emma: *as god* "But there was a bigger jawbone down the way!"
LORD, you have given me the strength to kill one thousand Philistines, now, are you going to let me die of thirst and fall into the hands of my enemy?
09:10 Emma: Zombies!?
- water spout*
Joe: They never tell you genocide works up a real sweat, poor guy
For his extraordinary efforts against the Philistines, Samson was anointed leader over Israel. But even though he was leader for over twenty years, he still took time to seek pleasure with women.
Emma: The scribes were puzzled when his first and only law contained a single word: "Bitches."
Sir, Samson is with a woman of the night, just as we suspected! Very good. Lock the city gates. We'll arrest him in the morning.
09:46 Joe: Leave him to his venereal plagues, you meanies
Stay until morning? Not tonight.
Emma: He spotted a Philistine above ground
00:01 Joe: “If only I hadn’t trimmed my nosehairs!”
00:05 Ems: The door’s overlapping the foreground fence like an Escher sketch
00:10 Joe: Oh look, yet another blue pelt
00:15 Ems: He met a woman, eh?
Joe: Yes, he sold his story to Nancy Grace, who somehow managed to spin the slaughter of 1,000 people into an unquestionable act of justice
00:24 Stop, thief, stop! *crashes into Samson*
00:30 Joe: “Be glad you didn’t smash into my chin.”
00:34 Ems: Why is everyone barefoot
00:40 Worm, just try to steal from me again!
00:43 Joe: “Your violence pleases me.”
00:48 My pleasure. I’ve never seen a woman so determined!
00:51 Ems: The women of this village must be dull as bricks
00:55 Steal from her again and I’ll kill you!
00:56 Joe: “If you steal from others, give me a cut”
01:01 Not nearly as strong as you are strong-willed
01:03 Ems: It takes an amazingly strong will to chase after a purse snatcher
1:09 You’re a lifesaver.
Joe: Now there’s a fun joke!
Is there anything I can do to repay you for your kindness?
00:13 How about dinner?
Ems: And a BLOW
Mm hm heh heeugh, I’m not much of a cook. But if you’re willing to risk your life okay you’re on!
Joe: “I have devoured countless of your people”
Ems: “I counted, it’s 1,030.”
01:29 Yeah Samson got stronger than any known man
I want to be the one to slay that beast
01:33 Ems: Try a slingshot!
It’ll take something more than cunning to topple him.
01:37 Joe: Israel’s got ICBMs, no?
He trusted too much and turned to mush!
01:42 Ems: Finally, a respectable moral
If a woman even thought about a smile
01:47 Joe: Cleavage of the ancients
01:50 It’s only been after 20 long years
Fighting the crew of Philistines
01:58 Ems: Poor Samson never happened by another jawbone
When he cast his eyes on the fair Delilah, he said oh my god that woman’s fuckin’ fine
02:07 Joe: LOL she’s “fuckin’ fine”!?
02:12 I just had an idea! I think we’re going to have our revenge!
02:16 Ems: These guys are evil because it’s not like they got 1,031 kin murdered
Now Delilah she was offered some gold by the Philistines who wanted Samson
02:28 Joe: “And that’s how we rehash the plot from before.”
If you love your country you’ll do it, he’s killed more than a thousand Philistines!
02:37 Ems: It’s your fault for not getting arbitrarily chosen by God
All you have to do is find out what’ll make him weak. Think of the reward~
02:46 Joe: “It’s all the change the dead bodies had on them!”
All right, I’ll help, but only if you promise not to hurt him and to let him go if you’re wrong.
You’re doing the right thing, Delilah. You’ll be a hero!
02:58 Ems: And the hero stared glossy-eyed at the money bag
03:02 Joe: I see her left leg has two knees
Samson, honey. Yes? What if I wanted to make you weaker than me? I thought you liked me strong? Oh, I do, I do.
03:18 Ems: “It’s just that I’d rather not snap in half when making your offspring.”
Tie my wrists with bowstrings and I’ll become as weak as any man.
03:30 Joe: “Can I use barbed wire?”
03:43 Samson, the Philistines are upon you!
03:46 Ems: Not THAT dream again!
03:50 Joe: Couldn’t they have just gotten Delilah to slip him a mickey or something
03:54 You made me look like a fool! I don’t see how. You don’t see how?
03:58 Ems: “Well with that attitude next time I’m just gonna stab you in the eyes.”
04:04 So, I just having fun with the woman I loved.
04:07 Joe: Wow you’re dense.
If you really loved me, you’d trust me with the secret of your strength.
04:11 Ems: It’s one rimjob for each human being he’s crushed to dust
But I wanna be the only one who knows your weakness
You’re my weakness Delilah
You know what I mean
I wanna know your secret
04:25 Joe: “I look at your face in the morning to stifle my woody.”
04:34 Both: LOL
04:41 Joe: World’s most silent armor
04:50 Ems: The flaw in this plan is that it’s stupid
05:00 Joe: They should have brought back the foxes for a bit of hair burning revenge
Samson!! The Philistines are upon you!
Ems: Snerk! This time there was body oil and you were there and you were there
05:14 Delilah, I’m very disappointed. I thought you were going to use your… hmmf, womanly powers of persuasion to get what we want from Samson
05:24 Joe: No U
I’m sorry, my lord, it’s hard, it’s not like I don’t like him
Ems: “He even bathes!”
Samson is a hero to the Israelites! He’s Philistine’s greatest threat!
Joe: “Maybe if we smother him he won’t notice.”
I’ll try again tonight. Good, you see, we’d hate to have to threaten you
05:47 Ems: “Hey Samson I know it’s like your weakness but can I uproot your follicles pretty pleeeease”
Samson, do you love me more than anyone in the whole world?
Joe: No matter how thick Delilah lays it on, Samson still doesn’t catch on, despite the fact that he’s already been jilted by another Philistine woman AND he’s seen Philistine soldiers attempt to exploit a whispered weakness TWICE IN A ROW.
You know what I mean! If it’s that important to you, I’ll tell you the truth.
Ems: You have to shift his cheekbones down
If you cut off my hair, I’ll become as weak as any man.
Joe: “Alternatively, blow smoke into my ears and fumigate my brain.”
That’s your big secret? Shave your head and you will be weak?
Ems: “But I want you as weak as a worm!”
He fell fast asleep with his head in her lap like a child without a caaare
06:54 Joe: That candle is really powerful
C’mon in boys! And get rid of his hair!
06:59 Ems: Or, you know, do it yourself.
Joe: She’s so strong willed
07:06 Ems: “Yee-uhp, sure glad Samson’s don’t got any friends!”
My dear Samson, will you ever forgive me?
Joe: As long she has cleavage, he will forgive.
07:21 Ems: “WAY-OOOO”
07:24 Joe: And this is where they find out Samson’s hidden the beehive in his hair
07:31 Ems: Meanwhile, the donkey missing its lower mandible drops by for its own revenge
Joe: And the lion skeleton continues to plot with the purse snatcher
07:45 I’ve been waiting YEARS for this moment!
Ems: It’s not like God could just make him strong again or anything
Samson, the PHILISTINES are upon you!
Joe: That’s what she always screams during coitus
Ems: He looks like Lex Luthor lol
Joe: That’s pretty impressive, a buzzcut without waking the guy up
08:04 Ems: *weakly* “samson noooo”
Samson, I had to tell them! I’m so sorry!
Don’t be lying! You’re a very rich woman!
Joe: “Cost ya 5 bronze per tear!”
It took 20 years but you’re finally mine!
Ems: Funny how they haven’t aged a day
I should have known this was one of your schemes, Zerek!
Don’t speak unless spoken to, PRISONER.
Joe: Careful, he’s still got his eyebrows
*pawnch* I’ll have my revenge, my LORD will see to it!
You know what III think, I think your God has abandoned you!
Ems: He is the LORD!
Joe: This is what they train for
Ems: And to think, he could have slapped them away with his hair flaps
We are going to the mighty and brave Samson for all of Philistine to see!
Joe: King’s true motive is to combine Samson’s locks with his own hair
Gouge out his eyes!
Ems: “Our demographic!”
Take him away! You’re a hero today, Delilah! You’ve served your country well!
Joe: “Rimjobs for everyone!”
9:28 Ems: Just buy a new Samson
I don’t want your blood money
Joe: Yeah, she wants Samson’s blood money!
Ems: They blazed through the whole Delilah plot in ten minutes
Delilah took his gold and ?? took his laah-ocks, snipped his braids and his strength was zapped
Joe: For some reason.
They knocked him and kicked him and gouged out his eeyeees. And then in chains he was
…Up and clapped.
00:04 Ems: He’s got a third arm growing out of his chin
He’s just a big oaf! Aw wa hahahaha
00:13 Joe: I’m bitter the foxes didn’t have a say in his punishment
*Samson feels up a rock*
00:20 Ems: “Is that you Delilah!”
LORD, I know I strayed, but please restore my strength so I can right myself and bring glory to your people, the Israelites!”
Joe: “OH IS THAT WHO MY PEOPLE ARE”
00:39 Ems: Time to audition for Harry Potter
00:43 Joe: LORD’s just making it bigger, the dick
Ems: God gave him back his hair but forgot about restoring his sight.
00:56 Joe: Yeah, clever.
Samson’s strength slowly came back
Ems: And so he was able to monopolize the water supply
01:09 Joe: Hup-to hup-to
01:17 Ooon yourrr feeet.
There’s a party at the temple and you’rrrr the guest of honorrrrr
Ems: He’s hoarse because Samson kicked him in the family
1:30 Joe: Why are all the spectators on one side
1:33 Ems: “Hrmm, roll out the hair as a carpet!”
Dagon, our god~ You’ve delivered Samson, our greatest enemy, to us!
Joe: “OH IS THAT WHAT I AM AND HE IS”
Ems: He’s a dag
1:58 Joe: uhhh, maybe it’s just that the Philistines are really weak
2:04 Ems: His main crime is his taste in headwear
Delilah, your heroic act made this great day possible
If I’d known you’d torture and humiliate him I never would have done it.
Ems: “But thankfully you’ve drugged me so I don’t care”
You’ve accomplished something that almost a thousand armed men couldn’t!
Joe: Remaining alive!
2:26 Ems: No U.
2:31 Joe: Heart pounding, this is
2:35 Ems: LOL. GREATEST LEGENDS AND HEROES OF THE BIBLE
Sir, is this the main temple? Yes it is. Then could you lead me toward the main pillar so I could lean up against it and rest?
Joe: Ziiiiip. How big you want it?
Ahahahaha, look, the mighty one is tired! Hueww hewah hahahahaha
Ems: Meanwhile Dagon hasn’t done jackshit for them
You could at least uncuff him. He no longer poses any threat
Uncuff the guest of honor, oowahahah
3:13 Joe: “Can I tickle him with my head first?”
LORD my God, give me strength
What are you mumbling about?
3:22 Ems: I see those handcuffs shared a lock
LORD, let me die with the Philistines!!
3:33 Joe: “Yes, according to my divine plan, you and the Philistines were born to kill each other. I’m so awesome and inscrutable!!”
3:43 Ems: Why don’t you just make him infinity strong while you’re at it
His strength, his hair, stop him, cut the hair!
Joe: “Fetch the weapons grade wax strips!!”
Ems: Why bother with multiple blade razors when you can just use pillars
4:09 Joe: Let’s see a thousand and thirty oooone, a thousand and thirty three
Ems: Mass murder is A-okay, who cares about diplomacy or peaceful coexistence or striving for a better way when you have long hair
Samson died a heroic death in which he killed more Philistines than he had slain during his lifetime
Joe: Uhh, I think you need to redo the body count kid
Ems: Nahh, let’s take him at his word and put him up to 2,061 murders
Joe: What a heeerooo
Ems: And remember, he’s not just killing them, he’s sending them all to an eternity of ceaseless torment.
Joe: Yeah, he could have tried to save them, but nope, he had too much lady cruising to do to care about all of the blood on his hands
Ems: Considering his strength was proof that his beliefs were true, it wouldn’t have been too hard to convince them. And it’s not like they were gonna kill him, he was basically invincible. Then again, brutally slaughtering 1,030 people does tend to bury diplomacy as a possibility.
Joe: God should have given him supernatural conflict mediation
Ems: Or he could have simply revealed himself to all of those silly Dagon worshippers in the first place. As it stands, it really does seem like God created them just for them to die and fry in hell.
Joe: So that this tale of tremendous heroism and bravery could go on to confuse millions of children all across the globe
Ems: It’s not so brave when you’re guaranteed victory by the almighty, is it?
Joe: He’s designated brave because he’s bigger and more ripped than the other burly men
Ems: He’s so brave he killed a defenseless lion for kicks
Joe: Some more points we should bring up: One, Delilah was treated nowhere near this sympathetically in the actual Bible, where she was pretty much just a whore (and, again, a PHILISTINE whore). Delilah literally means to weaken or corrupt. Most adaptations of the story, which isn't really all that long, seem to want to humanize her both to pad things out a little and to make it more kid-friendly; after all, killing bad guys is easy to explain to a kid, prostitution not so much.
Emma: Second, remember when they said Samson's name means BLESSED BY GOD? Maybe that's what it means in Bizarroland, but here on Earth it means "Man of the sun," carrying all sorts of neat implications of parallels to the greater mythological traditions and motifs of the time.
Joe: Well, that’s that for analysis I suppose. Off to the next riff!