In this episode, we return to our Catholic roots and explore the ritualistic enigma that is The Catholic mass. We suffered through it every Sunday for years and years without really knowing what the fuck was going on and why, so now we're gonna find out. What you are about to hear will be a very strange tale indeed. But, just to encourage you to keep listening through all the Catholic insanity, we might just insert some special Meat Mutant Mass excerpts so you can compare the merits of The Holy Ghost and The Holy Roast.

Emma to read: Also, FYI, we may use the word "Micks" to refer to Catholics during this episode. This is apparently a perjorative term for Catholics that arose from an insulting way to refer to people of Irish descent (either due to the prevalance of the prefix "Mc" in Irish surnames - like McLaughlin, or the sound of a drunken hiccough). As I am both of irish descent and enjoy a drink or two, I do not consider this perjorative, but rather accurate. So, that's OK with me. As for Joe, well, he can just suck it.

(Let's come up with a jingle for the JIS of the Week, only to reveal that there's a contender to JIS's throne)

JIS OF THE WEEK (Ems' turn to read)Edit


The Mass is Blasphemy and Heresy

The crucifixion of Jesus Christ happened ONE TIME. Jesus died ONE TIME for the sins of the whole world. Not MANY times, as in the Roman mass. They call Jesus Christ, "The Victim" and the priest supposedly has the power to slay Him on Romish altars over and over again. They supposedly call Jesus out of Heaven, into a piece of bread and some wine, so that the people can eat and digest His literal flesh and drink His literal blood--this is the mass. The Catholic mass is NOT the remembrance of the sacrifice of Jesus (as taught in Luke 22:19). Instead, it is alleged to be THE sacrifice of Jesus in the "species" of the bread and wine. The bread and wine are supposedly "transubstantiated," or changed into flesh and blood. Roman Catholic doctrine claims the whole body, soul, and divinity of Jesus Christ are in the bread that they eat. In other words, papists believe that they are cannibals--even though the bread still tastes like bread and the wine tastes like wine. Blasphemy! Heresy!

{C}The sacrifice of Jesus Christ was a ONE TIME EVENT.


Let's compare this to the totally different screed over at (I'm dead serious)

Jesus died ONE TIME for the sins of the whole world. Not MANY times as in the Roman mass. They call King Jesus, "The Victim" and the priest supposedly has the power to slay Him on Romish altars over and over again. They supposedly call Jesus out of heaven into a piece of bread and some wine so that the people can eat His literal flesh and drink His literal blood--this is the mass. The mass is not the remembrance of the sacrifice of Jesus, it is supposed to actually be THE sacrifice of Jesus in the "species" of the bread and wine. The bread and wine are supposedly "transubstantiated" or changed into flesh and blood. Roman doctrine says the whole body, soul, and divinity of Jesus Christ is in that bread that they eat. In other words, papists believe that they are cannibals--even though the bread still tastes like bread and the wine tastes like wine. Blasphemy! Heresy!

Should we now call it the JIL of the Week? I'M SO CONFUSED


Some papists erroneously refer to John chapter 6 to support their cannibalism called the mass. However, Jesus never taught us to literally eat Him. He simply asked us to REMEMBER Him (Luke 22:19). In John 10:9, Jesus claims to be the DOOR into Heaven; BUT, it is obvious that He's not a wooden or metal door. Likewise, Jesus is the bread of life, not an actual loaf of bread. It's amazing what ignorance will allow people to believe. __*__*__

Oi, fuckhead, where oh where in the Gospel does it say that Jesus was NOT, in fact, a wooden or metal door? Are you literalists or aren't you? Is it not within the scope of Jesus' powers to be fully human, fully divine, and fully door? This is a BLASPHEMY and a HERESY. Jesus' hinges were pure and uncreaking with the holy antirust solution of heaven.


Romanism preaches a gospel that Paul did not preach.

{C}Galatians 1:6-9, "I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ unto another gospel: Which is NOT another; but there be some that trouble you, and would PERVERT the gospel of Christ. But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed."

{C}It is not another gospel but a perversion of the gospel of Christ {C}...get yourself a King James Bible and ask the Lord to open up your eyes--if it so be that you love truth.


"If it so be that?" Stop trying to ape the KJV, shitwads.


Ask Jesus Christ to make His truth abundantly clear to you. Look at everything full in the face, if truth is what you seek. If you are just one more priest/Jesuit that wants a living from the Great Whore of Catholicism, then this article will probably mean nothing to you and you'll look high and low for a way to eradicate the truth you read.


"Jesuit?" Where did that come from? I'll tell you where, from! The article there is a response to a Jesuit email (which was "too full of mumbo jumbo" to post up, mumbo jumbo presumably meaning "anything besides saying the word 'Jesus' over and over again").

Romanism preaches a gospel that Paul did not preach. It is not another gospel but a perversion of the gospel of Christ....get yourself a King James Bible and ask the Lord to open up your eyes--if it so be that you love truth. Ask King Jesus to make His truth abundantly clear to you. Look at everything full in the face, if truth is what you seek. If you are just one more priest/Jesuit that wants a living from the Great Whore, then this email will probably mean nothing to you and you'll look high and low for a way to eradicate the truth you read.

Single word substitution ho! As you've probably guessed, the rest of the article is identical on both sites.


The basis for any discussion must be the truth. The God of the Bible says His word is truth and that it cannot be broken.

{C}John 17:17, "Sanctify them through thy truth: THY WORD IS TRUTH."

{C}Psalm 138:2, "I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy WORD ABOVE ALL THY NAME." (The name God means a lot and if He hath magnified His word ABOVE His name, we better embrace it. All who do not, do so at their own peril.)

{C}God's Word is so complete, so high and so holy that it cannot be broken--

"...the scripture cannot be broken" ... John 10:35

In fact, it does the breaking, that's why it is so easy to bust up Romish blasphemies--

{C}Jeremiah 23:29, "Is not my word like as a fire? saith the LORD; and like a hammer that breaketh the rock in pieces?"

{C}One glaring blasphemy is the mass. The so-called unbloody sacrifice of Jesus Christ. You priests supposedly have the power to call Jesus out of heaven and into a piece of bread and some wine. He is supposedly "transubstantiated" under the "species" of the bread and wine. Supposedly His whole body (guts, toenails, eyeballs, etc.), soul and divinity fit into a piece of bread so that He can be sacrificed on your altars and you can eat Him in cannibalism. Some of you even call Him "The Victim". This is blasphemy of the FIRST order.


I thought Jesus was in our hearts? So in order to be placed in the host, he needs to be called out of Heaven, but the Holy Ghost doesn't suffer the same setback? Man, forget Jesus, it must kick ass to be the Holy Ghost, you're everywhere at once and you can set people's heads on fire and make them speak tongues. Meanwhile Jesus is carrying ingrates across sandy seashores. And no one goes "HOLY fucking GHOST!"

Calling Jesus "the victim" is blasphemy how, exactly? Isn't his painful sacrifice the entire fucking point of the religion? He suffered for us sorry sinful humans so that he may stay Daddy's wrath? Oh, sorry, I suppose those silly "scholars" and "thinkers" didn't employ quite the right magic word for you to be satisfied. What a bunch of fuck.


{C}Hebrews tells us that the Old Testament sacrifices were imperfect so they had to be offered over and over again--

{C}Hebrews 10:3-4, "But in those [animal] sacrifices there is a REMEMBRANCE again made of sins every year. For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins."

{C}You are supposedly sacrificing Jesus over and over again making a remembrance of sins over and over (Hebrews 10:3). The blood of those bulls and goats had to be offered over and over because they could never take away sins--and that's what you papists imply about the blood of Jesus through your mass [that it can't take away sins]. What blasphemy!

{C}Hebrews tells us that the sacrifice of Jesus Christ was perfect, so it had to be done ONE TIME ONLY--

__*__*__ {C}

If a sacrifice is perfect, wouldn't YOU want to replicate that moment of perfection over and over?

Besides, really, what the fuck is the difference between a religion whose focal point is ceaselessly dwelling on Jesus' perfect sacrifice until endtimes (in lieu of, you know, actually doing what Christ commanded and aiding the poor etc.), and actually performing the sacrifice over and over, anyway?

The rest is a bunch of Bible verses. But since this is the podcast that doesn't read the Bible so you have to, we're not going to get into those. is practically identical to the entire site, except the front page has this little baffling gem (next to the link that says you can translate the site using Babelfish, lol):

Also, with regards to the various hilariously antiquated anti-Catholic slurs, such as "Romish" and "Romanism," they've got an interesting little history behind them.

For example, in the political landscape of America in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, anti-Catholicism was quite prevalent (even as recently as the 1960s there was a big stink over whether JFK would simply bow and cede sovereignty on executivedecisions to the Pope, the same stink with nominee Al Smith in 1928). Since the South was associated with Catholics (as well as anti-Temperance, anti-Prohibition constitutents), the following slogan gained currency to mock the South: "Rum, rebellion, and Romanism."

Here's another great slur: "Mackerel snapper!" You know you're grasping at straws with that one, right, past people? Of all the things to mock, eating fish on Fridays? You ought to be ashamed at your poor handle on sarcasm.

What is The Ordinary Catholic Mass?Edit

"Mass" is what people call the Sacrament of the Eucharist (or Holy Communion). The Ordinary Mass is held every Sunday (the day of the Resurrection) and it's typically around 45 minutes long.

The term "Mass" is derived from the Late Latin word missa (dismissal), a word used in the conclusion of the Mass in Latin: "Ite, missa est" ("Go; it is the dismissal"). The word 'dismissal' has come to imply a 'mission.'



In any case, Mass is at the heart of being Catholic. It's seen as the most perfect way the church has to offer adoration to God.

In an eerie, sick kinda way, Mass is supposed to be the ritual reenactment of the Last Supper and also the reenactment (without the gore) of Christ dying on the cross( for the good of all personkind).

It is also Catholic belief that during mass, the bread and wine involved in Holy Communion are literally converted into Christ's body and blood. That's "transubstantiation"--it's akin to the Aristotelian idea of "essence" and "accident," though the terminology here is "substance" and "species," with species meaning appearance. (The belief in transubstantiation actually predated the West's adoption of Aristotelianism, however.)

By the way, that is not exclusive to Catholicism. Lutherans have "consubstantiation," so they've got the substance of both Christ and the bread sort of meshed together during the Eucharist. Just imagine these fucking theologians strangling each other over whether it's just Christ or it's both Christ and the bread at the imperceptible substance of the host.

The Meat Mutant Mass

Ordinary Mass is boring as shit. Therefore, we're going to try our hand at throwing together a much more fun mass, and we figured, hey, while we're at it, why not create a liturgy. We experimented and it turned out our mass held so much sheer inspirational power that now we're sort of our own religion. From now on, listeners, you'll be expected to go through the motions of the Meat Mutant Mass for the duration of each episode--that applies retrospectively as well. Peel your ears and memorize when you're supposed to be standing, kneeling, sitting, etc.

For one of the many freaky things about mass is that throughout the whole thing, there are very specific moments when you must sit, stand or kneel. As we go through the mass we will tell you what you should be doing when.

Btw, it's no coincidence that the initials of Meat Mutant Mass is MMMmmmm. Fuck bread...

But first!

Changes to The Mass Over Time

Let's go back, waaayy back, to where this all began.

In essence, the catholic mass is based around the words that JC said at the last supper: “this is my body . . . this is my blood.” That's been the core of the Mass for two thousand years now.

The way that mass is conducted, however, has gone through significant changes since JC had dinner with his mates.

The earliest and most detailed account of the Eucharist can be found in St. Paul's First Epistle to the Corinthians, which predates the Gospels. By combining St. Paul's account with those of the four synoptic Gospels, we have the essentials of the Eucharistic liturgy. Jeebus took bread, gave thanks, blessed and broke it, and gave it to His Apostles to eat; then He took a cup of wine, again gave thanks [Luke and Paul do not add this second thanksgiving], said the words of Consecration over it, and gave it to them to drink. We thus have the five essential elements for the Christian Eucharist:

1) Bread and wine are brought to the altar;

2) The celebrant gives thanks;

3) He takes bread, blesses it and says the words of Consecration;

4) He does the same over the wine;

5) The consecrated Bread, now having become the Body of Christ, is broken and is given to the people in Communion together with the contents of the Chalice, that is, the Precious Blood.

The early Christians would have assembled for Divine worship in a house with a large dining room. This was because, as a persecuted minority, they could not erect public buildings. The prayers and eventually the ceremonial actions they used gradually develop into set forms. There are variations within the mass over time, but all generally follow this biblical pattern.

Gradual Development of Ceremonies Edit

So by the middle of the 4th century there was little that could be described as ceremonial in the mass. The only really ritual actions we find are certain postures (such as kneeling or standing for prayer), and ceremonies like the kiss of peace, all of which were inherited from the Jews. Otherwise, many things were done for a practical purpose.

The Lavabo or washing of hands is an example. In all rites the celebrant washes his hands before handling the offerings, an obvious hygeinic precaution and sign of respect.

As the mass always followed a set form, it is easy to understand that the general outline of the service would become consistant almost unconsciously. People who do the same thing continually, naturally do it in the same way. So the order and general arrangement of the prayers remained relatively constant.

Since all early Christian language was composed mainly of Biblical forms, the same expressions recurred over and over again in the public prayers. A formula constantly heard would soon be considered the correct one. A younger bishop would continue to use the very words of his seniors whose prayers the people, and perhaps himself as deacon, had followed etc etc etc. Thus, things stayed pretty much the same in the one location as the same people said and did the same things over and over. You can see that at this stage, differences in the way that mass was celebrated in different locations would lead to disparate wording and differences in rituals over time as geogrpahical isolation resulted in commensurate cultural isolation.

The End of Persecution Edit

So, historical factors did affect the way in which the liturgy was celebrated. During times of persecution brevity and simplicity would be its principal characteristics (for obvious reasons). The toleration of Christianity under Constantine I, and its adoption as the religion of the Empire under Theodosius I, had a dramatic effect on the development of ritual. Congregations increased in size; and benefactions for the building and furnishing of churches resulted in the vessels and vestments becoming more elaborate and expensive. The mass could take longer and involve more ritual.

The Canon of the Mass Dates from the 4th Century

But, the basic core of the Catholic Canon was in existence by the end of the fourth century.

The earliest Roman Sacramentaries (books of the Middle Ages containing the words spoken by the priest celebrating a Mass and other liturgies of the Church) were written in Latin which had gradually replaced Greek as the language of the Roman liturgy. It was a natural tendency of Latin to curtail redundant phrases, and this terseness and austerity are a noticeable mark of the Roman Mass. You don't bang on for 10 minutes thanking God, you just say shit like "Thanks be to God".

The Reform of St. Gregory the Great Edit

The pontificate of St. Gregory the Great (590 until 604) marked an epoch in the history of the Roman Mass - he basically left in the state that we still have it.

The keynote of the reform of St. Gregory was fidelity to the traditions that had been handed down [the root meaning of the Latin word traditio is to hand over or hand down]. His reform consisted principally of the simplification and more orderly arrangement of the existing rite. His principal work was the definitive arrangement of the Roman Canon (Eucharistic prayer). The Lectionary (a book or listing that contains a collection of scripture readings appointed for Christian worship on a given day or occasion) was also given a definitive form, but still underwent considerable change after this time.

The Roman Mass as reformed by St. Gregory gradually spread and became predominant in Italy and beyond. The prestige of the Roman Church, the sober nature of her liturgy, and the fact that Rome was the home of the tombs of the Apostles and many other martyrs, all combined to give the Roman liturgy authenticity and authority.

From the early middle ages, there was little change in the order of the Mass itself which had by then become sacred and inviolable. The mass was popularly believed to have been handed down unchanged from the Apostles, or to have been written by St. Peter himself.

So, a tradition of more than a millennium certainly existed in the Roman Church that the Canon should not be changed.

However, the rite of Mass did continue to develop after the time of St. Gregory.

The Protestant Break with Liturgical Tradition Edit

The sound and invariable practice of the Church in the West was compromised for the first time Protestant Reformers in the sixteenth-century. They initiated a drastic reform of liturgical rites,and in 1898 the Catholic bishops of the Province of Westminster published a scathing denunciation of the liturgical revolution, and denied the right of national or local churches to devise their own rites.

“They must not omit or reform anything in those forms which immemorial tradition has bequeathed to us. For such an immemorial usage, whether or not it has in the course of ages incorporated superfluous accretions, must, in the estimation of those who believe in a Divinely guarded visible Church, at least have retained whatever is necessary, so that in adhering rigidly to the rite handed down to us we can always feel secure; whereas, if we omit or change anything, we may perhaps be abandoning just that element which is essential. And this sound method is that which the Catholic Church has always followed . . . “

Thus, the Catholic hang up about not changing the basic nature of the mass coz it's what Jesus said continued to be huge.

The Development of the Low Mass Edit

Until the Middle Ages, Mass was not said more than once on the same day. But, by the early Middle Ages in the West, every priest offered his own Mass each day, a practice which had far-reaching effects, not only upon the liturgy, but upon Church architecture and even Canon Law. This led to a late change in the evolution of The Mass which we call Low Mass.

The change came about for theological reasons. Each Mass has a definite value before God; therefore, two Masses were worth twice as much as one. The custom arose of offering each Mass for a definite intention and the acceptance of a stipend for doing so. This was particularly the case where Requiem Masses were concerned. Faithful Catholics would make provision in their wills for Masses to be said for their souls and would make endowments to monastic foundations for this purpose. By the 9th century, the multiplication of Masses had progressed so far that many priests said Mass several times a day.

By the 9th century every large monastery was called upon to offer hundreds or even thousands of Masses each year. All these factors led to the abridged service that we call Low Mass, and it was Low Mass that caused the compilation of the Missal as we know it today.

Low Mass and High Mass sort of merged into one, as priests became used to celebrating both. Originally the celebrant said or sang his part and listened, like everyone else, to the other parts-----the Lessons and so on.

Later, having become used to saying these other parts at Low Mass-----in which he had to take the place of ministers and the choir himself-----he began to say them at High Mass too.

Thus we have our present arrangement where the celebrant also says in a quiet voice at the altar whatever is sung by the ministers and choir.

The Medieval Uses and the Importance of Printing Edit

The only important development in the history of the Roman Missal between the 13th century and 1570 was the introduction of the printed Missal (a missal is a liturgical book containing all instructions and texts necessary for the celebration of Mass). The first printed edition of the Roman Missal was published in Milan in 1474 and can still be consulted there in the Ambrosian Library (LET'S GO!!!!). It is known as Missale Romanum Mediolani.

Prior to the establishment of printing in Europe in the 15th century, every Missal, Bible, Pontifical, Gradual, Antiphonal or Book of Hours had been laboriously and often beautifully written by hand, usually by monks. Every monastery had its scriptorium. Countless examples of these priceless and irreplaceable treasures were destroyed during The Protestant Reformation.

The Reform of Pope St. Pius V/The Council of TrentEdit

One of the major milestones in the history of the Catholic Mass was The Council of Trent. The Missal of St. Pius V was compiled and published in 1570 in obedience to the Fathers of the Council of Trent.

The Council of Trent was the 16th-century Ecumenical Council of the Roman Catholic Church. It is considered to be one of the Church's most important councils. It convened in Trent (then capital of the Prince-Bishopric of Trent of the Holy Roman Empire, in Italy) between 1545, and 1563. The council issued condemnations on what it defined as Protestant heresies and defined Church teachings in the areas of Scripture and Tradition, Original Sin, Justification, Sacraments, the Eucharist in Holy Mass and the veneration of saints. By specifying Catholic doctrine on salvation, the sacraments, and the Biblical canon, the Council was answering Protestant disputes. The council of Trent standardised what since the 20th century has been called the Tridentine Mass (from the city's Latin name Tridentum).

This is the Missal that is used today whenever the Traditional Mass of the Roman Rite, is celebrated rather than the Mass of Pope Paul VI found in his 1970 Missal. It is the clearly expressed wish of Pope John Paul II that the Traditional Mass should be made available whenever there is a genuine desire for it on the part of the faithful.

The first priority of the Council of Trent was to systematically arrange Catholic Eucharistic teaching. It did this in very great detail and in clear and inspiring terms. Punishment was pronounced upon anyone who rejected this teaching, and the Fathers insisted that what they had taught concerning the Eucharist must remain unmodified until the End of Time:

And so this Council teaches the true and genuine doctrine about this venerable and divine sacrament of the Eucharist',' the doctrine which the Catholic Church has always held and which She will hold until the end of the world, as She learned it from Christ Our Lord Himself, from His Apostles, and from the Holy Ghost, Who continually brings all truth to Her mind. The Council forbids all the faithful of Christ henceforth to believe, teach or preach anything about the most Holy Eucharist that is different from what is explained and defined in the present decree.

Revisions after 1570 Edit

There have been revisions since the reform of St. Pius V, but until the changes which followed Vatican II these were never of any significance.

After the Second Vatican Council in the 1960s, a new form of Mass was introduced (The Mass of Paul VI). This is the present ordinary or normal form of the Roman Rite of the Mass. Changes introduced in the Second Vatican Council included sanctioning the saying of mass in vernacular mother tongues of the people (as opposed to always in Latin), priests being able to face the people while saying the mass (instead of having his back to them), and more involvement of the lay people/congregation.

Further changes to the wording of the mass were made in the last few years, to more truly reflect translation of Greek and Latin texts on which the mass is based.

So now we're going to take you through the actual Catholic mass, and try to explain what's happening when and why (where that is possible). We'll also highlight some very recent changes (even different to when we went to mass) in the 1980s and 90s.

To keep you awake and entertained, you will also now be inducted into the Holy Roastin' Rite of the Meat Mutant Mass.

The Structure of The Catholic Mass// Concomitant MM Mass "Recordings"Edit

Introductory Rites Edit


The first part of the Ordinary Mass is the introductory rites. Mass typically starts with a procession from the back of the church, near the front door, down the middle aisle and into the sanctuary (the area around the altar). The priest enters with a deacon (if there is one: a Deacon is an ordained minister who ranks lower than a priest), and altar servers/boys. The deacon may carry the Book of the Gospels, which he will place on the altar, and the servers may carry a processional cross and candles and incense. An entrance hymn is sung during Sunday and Saturday evening Mass. Mass starts with the priest making the sign of the cross (explain) and introducing the Mass from the altar or chair.

Greeting Edit

The Mass formally begins when the priest blesses himself. He says, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” while tracing a cross over his torso: He places his right hand first on his forehead and then moves it down to his breast; then he moves his hand across to his far left and then to his far right. The people make the same gesture and respond, “Amen.” Next, the celebrant can say simply “the Lord be with you” (taken from Ruth 2:4) or he may use a more elaborate address taken from St. Paul: “the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” The big recent change to this greeting occurs in the people’s response to the priest’s invitation, “the Lord be with you.” Previously, the congregation said “and also with you.” ”And also with you” became too colloquial and pedestrian (apparently).


[Sign of the Meat must be performed with a large mallet raised to the sky like Thor’s mighty Mjolnir]

In the name of thunder, lightning, and exposed beef.

[When the supplicant says “exposed beef,” they mime tearing out a large hunk of meat with their more imaginary hammers.]


Rite of Sprinkling or Penitential Rite Edit

Either the Rite of Sprinkling or the Penitential Rite takes place after the greeting.

The Penitential Rite is used on most Sundays. If a deacon is present, he may introduce three petitions to which the congregation responds: “Lord, have mercy; Christ, have mercy; Lord, have mercy.” The Penitential Rite allows a communal admission of personal sin and the need for divine mercy and forgiveness.

During Easter time and particularly at Pentecost, the Rite of Blessing and Sprinkling holy water is usually part of the Mass. The holy water reminds the congregation of the waters of Baptism and the invocation of the Holy Spirit. Water is blessed by the priest, and he may add exorcised salt, because holy water is believed to be a potent weapon against the Devil. The priest then takes a bucket of holy water and sprinkles with a reed of hyssop or a metal aspergillum (special device to hold a few ounces of holy water with holes at the end to allow drops to flow out into congregation).


[At this moment in the Meat Mutant Mass, the congregation is sprayed with holy water (?BEEF STOCK), by clandestine ninja-praetors who appear with Super Soakers; in our experimental Mass, these ninjas saw fit to hide atop the chandelier before rappelling down on cue]

[This sprinkling of holy water is not a penitential rite, but rather a measure to prevent people from being able to tell who wet their pants at the arrival of the ninja.]


Confiteor Edit

After the wet t-shirt competition, the priest may choose to invoke the Confiteor (Latin for “I confess”). It is a communal admission that as human beings, we are all sinners, we all make mistakes, and we all can and ought to do and be better.

I confess to almighty God
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have greatly sinned,
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done and in what I have failed to do,
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault;
therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,
all the Angels and Saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord our God


[Instead of confessing, we instead seek to thrust blame on other deities.]

“Almighty God and all his hoodrat cohorts are the fuckers behind everything. Therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to refrain from being such neglectful people and/or pitiful retards so I, ____, can properly shine.”

“May Meat Mutant have mercy on us, forgive us our beating it with a tire iron to see what sort of sound it would make, and let us lick it unto everlasting savoriness.”


Kyrie Edit

Next comes the Kyrie.

(I'll put in a very short grab of the chorus from this here:

(1:32 - 1:59 or so)

The ancient petition: “Lord, have mercy; Christ, have mercy; Lord, have mercy” has been used for millenia. It’s called the Kyrie. Kyrios is Greek for Lord. Christos is Greek for Anointed One (Messiah in Hebrew). The original Greek text retained in the Latin Mass is Kyrie, eleison; Christe, eleison; Kyrie, eleison.


“Guys bring jerky, dudes bring turkey, guys bring jerky.”

[Whereupon men and boys are expected to have brought jerky and whip them out from under the crotch of their pants; those designated “dudes” must cook turkeys every Sunday to bring to Mass for all to enjoy, but everyone’s still got to stand and kneel and sit and recite hymns while eating.]

Ems edit: females in the congregation are permitted to use the variant if they are premenstrual or have just been dumped by a bloke:

"Guys are jerks, blokes are turkeys, guys are jerks"


Gloria Edit

After that, we get into a bit of this..... (0:36 - 1:06 or thereabouts)

On Sundays (except during Advent and Lent) and holy days, the Gloria is said, chanted, or sung (not quite like what we just heard) by the celebrant and congregation. It begins with the angelic salutation given to the shepherds at the first Christmas when Jesus was born in Bethlehem, “Glory to God in the highest” (Gloria in excelsis Deo in Latin), as found in Luke 2:14. The Gloria is used as a reminder of the hope, salvation, and redemption brought by God’s grace.

Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to people of good will.
We praise you,
we bless you,
we adore you,
we glorify you,
we give you thanks for your great glory,
Lord God, heavenly King,
O God, almighty Father.
Lord Jesus Christ, Only Begotten Son,
Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father,
you take away the sins of the world,
have mercy on us;
you take away the sins of the world,
receive our prayer.
you are seated at the right hand of the Father,
have mercy on us.
For you alone are the Holy One,
you alone are the Lord,
you alone are the Most High,
Jesus Christ,
with the Holy Spirit,
in the glory of God the Father.

{C}__*__*__ {C}[During the Meat Mutant Mass, this section is set to the track named This Is a Fight To Change the World from the Sengoku Basara anime's musical score--naturally, without any copyright permissions. The following is an excerpt, as the actual section of the Meat Mutant Mass is around a half hour long of constant looping of praise of the mass. We assure you that while the background singing seems IDENTICAL to the album version, they are in fact the wonderful voices of all our loyal followers who did not elect to stuff their faces with sausage. It should also be noted that at regular intervals during the Meat Mutant Mass's gloria, the ninja-praetors dance and engage in spirited Super Soaker war, to symbolize what should not be done while singing in Mass.] (0:53--1:11)


“Glory toooo, this glorious meat mass, because it's so delish, and this mass is fucking too great!!"


"Glory toooo, the 30s Merlot, it's why I came to mass, and am willing to sing thiiiis..."


Opening Prayer Edit

Of course, the mass must have an opening prayer. The Opening Prayer sets the tone for the liturgical act of divine worship. It reminds the assembly that adoration of God is directed to the Father through the Son and in the Holy Spirit. t is always Trinitarian because the one God is in Three Persons. {C}NOW YOU CAN FINALLY SIT DOWN



[Instead of opening prayer, we sweep everyone with the spirit of the Holy Roast by setting a dove on fire and setting everyone's heads on fire for a bit before the Super Soakers douse everyone off. The dove is fine, having been fitted with a tiny avian flame suit. However, after Mass it is difficult to keep the congregants from clambering for the dove's sweet meat, since by then they're frenzied with hunger for meat. Because of that, the ninjas are tasked with staying the horrible Hunger with fire hoses.]


{C}Liturgy of the Word

{C}The next section of the Mass is called the Liturgy of the Word because the emphasis is on the written and spoken Word of God. It includes multiple readings, a sermon, the Creed, and a prayer. The Church assigns specific passages from the Old and New Testaments for every weekday, Sunday, and holy day.

First reading Edit


The first reading is called, well, the first reading. While everyone is seated, a reader walks up to the pulpit and reads aloud the assigned passage from one of the 46 books of the Old Testament in the Catholic Bible. The passage is prefaced by the phrase “a reading from . . .” and then the name of the book of the Bible is mentioned.

The precise chapter and verse of the reading are not mentioned. The Bible itself was originally written without any chapter or verse identification. In fact, the Bible had no chapters until 1248 when Archbishop Stephen Langton assigned divisions, and no verse numbers until Robert Stephanus worked out versification in 1555 (this guy clearly had OCD).

When the reader comes to the end of the passage, he or she says “(this is) The word of the Lord” and the people respond “Thanks be to God.” {C}__*__*__

[We do use the Holy Bible, but only readings that can be construed as endorsements of the Meat Mutant podcast.]

And now a reading from the book of Genesis…

And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.


Psalm Edit


After the first reading comes the psalm. The Bible includes 150 psalms, and a psalm is always included in weekday and Sunday Masses. The only psalms not used in divine worship are the curse or deprecatory psalms, which are requests for God to do bad shit to your enemies. Although they’re considered equally inspired revealed Scripture, they don’t make for elegant worship of the Almighty. Either a cantor sings or chants the psalm or a lay reader reads the verses of the psalm. The congregation repeats the specified response. {C}__*__*__

[We use exclusively deprecatory psalms, to express our opinions of other podcasts. This passage has been deemed by some to be an interpolation of dubious origin.]

Psalm 57,748 (sorta spells balls backwards in numbers):

“Evidence 4 Faith sucks some massive balls.”

R: “The balls that E4F sucks are massive.”


Second reading Edit


The second Scripture is always included in the Sunday mass. It is a reading from the New Testament. Usually it’s an Epistle, or sometimes a passage from the Acts of the Apostles or from the Book of Revelation (Apocalypse). Like the first reading, the second is introduced by the name of the Book and not by chapter and verse. At the end of the passage, the reader says “(this is) The word of the Lord” and the people respond “Thanks be to God.”


And now a reading from the Book of Romans…

One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.


Gospel Edit

Get off your fat arses, you gotta stand up for this bitch.

This bitch is the gospel.

Before the Gospel is proclaimed, the Alleluia is sung or chanted. The entire congregation stands and stays standing during the proclamation of the Gospel. Only an ordained minister (deacon, priest, or bishop) can read the Gospel at Mass.

The Gospel is introduced:

Deacon/Priest: The Lord be with you.

People: And with your spirit.

Deacon/Priest: A reading from the holy Gospel according to [Name of the book of the Bible].

People: Glory to you, O Lord.

Then after the Gospel is proclaimed: Deacon/Priest: The Gospel of the Lord.

People: Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

Deacon/Priest: Through the words of the Gospel may our sins be wiped away.

The deacon (or priest) reverences the book with a kiss before the last line is said quietly (it's not a full on pash, just like the way you'd kiss your mum on the cheek at Christmas when she's given you a troll present). The Book of Gospels is not lifted up, because the proclaimed spoken word is what’s being affirmed at this moment, not the written text.


{C}[The water in the ninjas’ Super Soakers is now replaced with gravy, so that the turkey of the dudes may be rendered more delectable. At this moment pepperoni cannons may also be fired during more festive occasions.]

[The Gospel segment is now fully interactive.]

“And what do you think happened after the Lord our God founded his church on a cock with his biweekly ejaculation ritual, Porking with Peter?”

“Is that when he anointed Christ’s body with bacon grease?”

“That’s right, and that why to this day we call the holy act of union ‘porking.’ We symbolize this with the plugging of the meat, leaving the slab to be exposed in the sun’s holy rays, the very same sun under which Jesus and Peter basked, glistening though not with sweat.”


Homily/Sermon Edit

OK, time to sit down and shut up again.

It's time for a sermon, also called a homily. A homily is a sermon preached by an ordained cleric at Mass or any Sacred Liturgy. Mass includes a homily on all Sundays. The homily may explain the Scripture passages just read (good luck with that), or give moral or doctrinal instruction, especially on particular feasts. It also may bring to light certain spiritual aspects for later meditation and consideration.


[An excerpt.]

“The common slab of meat bears miraculous resemblance to the map of our Lord’s convoluted intratinterrelationships with his worshipers and other distant admirers. The red areas of the meat correlate with the approximate regions in the cosmos with the highest concentration of sin. The white marbling represents the milk of holy Porking washing away sin. The marrow represents our common origin in the boner of The Lord.”


Profession of Faith (Creed) Edit

On your feet people, it's time for some CREED.

(I'll put in a little of this.....)

0:00 - 0:14 or therabouts

On all Sundays and holy days, the Nicene Creed must be recited or sung by the celebrant and congregation. A creed is a summary of doctrines written in a format meant to be easy to memorize. Think of the Creed like a summary of the beliefs of the Catholic Church. The Creed says what is important to Catholicism in terms of basic tenets, which is why it’s so important for believers to know and understand the Creed. Every official doctrine of Catholicism is somehow connected to or derived from it.

Woop, here it is:

I believe in one God,
the Father almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
of all things visible and invisible..
I believe in one Lord Jesus Christ,
the Only Begotten Son of God,
born of the Father before all ages.
God from God, Light from Light,
true God from true God,
begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father;
through him all things were made.
For us men and for our salvation
he came down from heaven,
and by the Holy Spirit was incarnate of the Virgin Mary,
and became man.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate,
he suffered death and was buried,
and rose again on the third day
in accordance with the Scriptures.
He ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory
to judge the living and the dead
and his kingdom will have no end.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,
who proceeds from the Father and the Son,
who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified,
who has spoken through the prophets.
I believe in one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church.
I confess one baptism for the forgiveness of sins
and I look forward to the resurrection of the dead
and the life of the world to come. Amen.

The current Creed (also called the Profession of Faith) was developed during the Council of Nicea in the year AD 325. At that time, the heresy of Arianism was rampaging Christendom. Arianism is the doctrine that Jesus Christ is the highest creature God made, higher than angels or men, but not equal to the Lord God. Christians believe that Jesus is true God and true man. Rather than being 50/50, he is 100 percent human and 100 percent divine. You can't have more than 100% you say? Dear sinner, that is the mystery of the Incarnation. The Creed clearly defines that Christ is God the Son and has the same substance as the God the Father. Any questions? No? Good.

There have been some very recent changes to the creed. When the Mass was translated into English in 1970, the word consubstantialem in Latin was rendered as “one in being.” The revised translation now retains the more accurate word consubstantial, meaning “of the same substance,” because a single divine nature is shared by all three divine Persons of the Trinity. “Born of the Virgin Mary” has been changed to “was incarnate of the Virgin Mary.” This is a more accurate translation of the Latin text incarnatus est, and it conveys the doctrine that Jesus’s human nature began not at his birth but from the very first moment of his conception within the womb of his mother, Mary (when she was raped by the angel). Catholics show reverence for the Incarnation by bowing at the phrase “and became man.”


[Believers are commanded to blaze through the Nicene Creed as fast as possible, and whoever completes it first without flubbing gets the Eucharist early.]

OK, ready, set, GO!


Prayer of the Faithful (General Intercessions)

Stay on your feet, here comes the prayer of the faithful.

The Prayer of the Faithful follows the Creed on Sundays or after the homily on weekdays. The petitions presented for prayer should always try to incorporate these concepts:

  • The needs of the Church, especially the pope and local bishop
  • Public authorities and the salvation of the whole world (not asking much there)
  • Those burdened by any kind of difficulty, especially the poor and the sick
  • The local community, especially the members of the parish and those preparing for sacraments
  • The faithful departed and the souls in Purgatory

Liturgy of the Eucharist Edit

After the Liturgy of the Word is the part of Mass called the Liturgy of the Eucharist. It is the heart and soul of the Mass, with the climax being the consecration of the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ. Yes, you heard that right. This is where Catholics get to eat Jesus' flesh and drink his blood, Twighlight style (Go team Job......).


[The one and only Meat Mutant is pricked with hundreds of needles, and its squeals signal it is alive. The 1930s Merlot is offered as a symbol of the real and actual red slosh dripping down the altar (step around it). No holy words are recited because a half hour’s already been taken up by the Gloria hymn and people are fucking thirsty, there’d be mutiny if they were made to wait any longer. {C}__*__*__

Preparation of Gifts (Offertory) Edit

Sit down, it's time for nom noms!

On Sundays and holy days, someone from the congregation usually brings the gifts (bread and wine that will become the Holy Eucharist) down the main aisle to the deacon or priest at the altar. The Roman tradition is to use only unleavened bread. Taking bread and holding it over the altar, the celebrant says:

Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation, for through your goodness we have received the bread we offer you: fruit of the earth and work of human hands; it will become for us the bread of life.

The people respond: Blessed be God forever.

Then the deacon or priest pours wine into the chalice(s), saying: By the mystery of this water and wine may we come to share in the divinity of Christ who humbled himself to share in our humanity. Then taking the chalice and holding it over the altar, the priest says: Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation, for through your goodness we have received the wine we offer you: fruit of the vine and work of human hands; it will become our spiritual drink.

The people respond: Blessed be God forever.

The priest bows and quietly prays: With humble spirit and contrite heart may we be accepted by you, O Lord, and may our sacrifice in your sight this day be pleasing to you, Lord God. Then he washes his fingers, saying: Wash me, O Lord, from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

BTW, when you're sitting in church, you NEVER hear this. I always wondered what he was saying.

Lastly, you gotta stand up when the priest says: Pray, brethren (brothers and sisters), that my sacrifice and yours may be acceptable to God, the Almighty Father.

Then the people respond: May the Lord accept the sacrifice at your hands for the praise and glory of his name, for our good and the good of all his holy Church.

Offertory Prayer Edit

Next is the Offertory prayer. Each Sunday and holy day is assigned a specific prayer to be said over the gifts. The priest says this prayer, and the people respond with the usual “amen.”

Here's the one for January 29, 2012 – Fourth Sunday after Epiphany

Awesome God, you sent Jesus to teach people firsthand the power of your love, grace, and authority. Jesus washed away unclean spirits and performed countless other miracles so that even the faithless would experience your love. You call us to be mindful and vigilant of the extraordinary miracles that you continue to work in our lives today. May this offering undergird ministries that show others your miraculous love, grace, and authority. We pray in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. Mark 1:21-28

Preface and Sanctus Edit

We're getting to the good part now. This part of the Mass precedes the Eucharistic prayer and begins as follows:

Priest: The Lord be with you.

People: And with your spirit.

Priest: Lift up your hearts.

People: We lift them up to the Lord.

Priest: Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.

People: It is right and just.

Next, the following lines are either sung or spoken: Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God of hosts. Heaven and earth are full of your glory. Hosanna in the highest. Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest.

Now you can park your arse on a pew.

At this point, the most important part of the Mass begins: the Eucharistic Prayer.

The Eucharistic Prayer Edit

On your knees, bitches!

The Eucharistic Prayer has several components to it.

Thanksgiving: The word Eucharist comes from the Greek word for thanksgiving. The priest first gives thanks to God on behalf of the people for all the blessings and gifts the Lord has given. This gratitude is expressed primarily in the Preface prayer of the Mass (the introduction to the Eucharistic Prayer in which the priest begins with “the Lord be with you” and also says “let us give thanks to the Lord our God”).

Acclamation: The congregation affirms their gratitude by singing the thrice-holy angelic hymn, the Sanctus (Holy).

Epiclesis: The priest acting in Persona Christi (in place of Christ) invokes the Holy Spirit to come down from heaven and bless the gifts of bread and wine. This invocation is expressed physically by the stretching out of the celebrant’s arms and hands over the gifts. Funnily enough, I never saw no dove or flames appear at this stage.....must have been busy flirting with a boy/girl in the next pew.

Institution narrative and Consecration: The holiest part of the Mass is when the priest acting in Persona Christi uses the exact same words used by Jesus at the Last Supper and speaks them over the bread and wine, thereby consecrating them. The prayer includes the narrative of the Last Supper where Jesus took bread and wine and said “This is my body . . . this is my blood.”

Anamnesis: The anamnesis recalls and reaffirms Christ’s command to “do this in memory of me” and the recollection of the mystery of Jesus’s Passion, Death, and Resurrection.

Offering: The priest offers the Son to the Father with the Holy Spirit on behalf of the entire human race and the whole world. Jesus offers himself to God the Father on behalf of the human race. The priest represents both mankind and Christ, so he is able to mystically offer the Son to the Father for us. Whatever you say.....

Intercessions: The priest requests that the fruits of the sacrifice be applied to both the living and the dead. WHy??

Final doxology: The glory of God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is manifested in this solemn prayer, which is affirmed by the people in their response of “amen.”

The Eucharistic Prayer is the big daddy of the priestly prayers of the Mass. Only the ordained priest or bishop can say these prayers, because only they have the ordained power and authority to consecrate bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ.

Over the bread the priest says the first half of the most important words of the entire missal: Take this, all of you, and eat of it, for this is my Body, which will be given up for you.

(in summary: TAKE IT......EAT IT!!)

Over the wine the priest completes the most important part of the Missal: Take this, all of you, and drink from it, for this is the chalice of my Blood, the blood of the new and eternal covenant, which will be poured out for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins. Do this in memory of me.

Thanks for the free grog, Jesus!

(Ems' story about her friend who worked in a pub and the mass wine).

Memorial Acclamation

After the consecration of the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ, you gotta kneel again. The priest continues the Eucharistic Prayer, saying The mystery of faith. The people respond based on which option the choir or celebrant choose. After the acclamation, the priest continues the Eucharistic Prayer with intercessions to the Virgin Mary and the saints on behalf of the Church and all her members. Particular mention can be made for the deceased person for whom the Mass is being offered.

Doxology and Great Amen

Next is the doxology (awesome word) and the great Amen.

Comfy? Coz you're still kneeling......

A doxology is a short hymn of praise to God. Following the Eucharistic Prayer is a doxology to the Triune God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) as a sign of public thanks for the consecration of the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ. It is also appreciation for the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass where the Son was offered to Father with the Holy Spirit for the salvation of souls.

The priests concludes the Eucharistic Prayer:

Through him, and with him, and in him, O God, Almighty Father, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, forever and ever.

The people respond, “Amen.”

Pater Noster (Our Father or Lord’s Prayer) Edit

We're getting close to holy communion, but before we do that, we need to say the Lord's prayer.

When asked by his disciples how to pray, Jesus gave them the Lord’s Prayer (also called the Our Father). This prayer is said before the reception of Holy Communion:

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name;

thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us;

and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

If you think that's not with it and hip, then you need to listen to Sr Janet Meade's version which we featured on our Christian Music episode: 0:00 - 0:31

Sign of Peace Edit

Enough with fun and music - this is serious, people.

After the Pater Noster the priest says, “The peace of the Lord be with you always” and the congregation replies, “And with your spirit.” The priest or deacon may then invite everyone to share a sign of peace. Originally called the Kiss of Peace, this gesture of fraternity flows from the truth that all men and women are made in the image and likeness of God and by Baptism we become brothers and sisters in Christ. It is usually done as a simple hand-shake or small bow while placing both hands on shoulder of the other person. Waving and bear-hugs are not appropriate forms (lol).


After the Euchalit the priest says, “May a piece of meat be with you always” and the congregation replies, “SLAP DAT ASS”, grabbing a large ham from under the pew and mercilessly striking eachother while reciting Job 39:5.

““Who has let the wild ass go free?
Who has loosed the bonds of the swift ass…”


Fraction Rite — Agnus Dei (Lamb of God) Edit

Now we get down to some real meaty goodness - The Lamb of God.

Agnus Dei is Latin for Lamb of God, and while this prayer is said or sung aloud by the congregation, the priest breaks (fractions) the host he just consecrated into two equal parts. Then he places a small fragment into the chalice containing the consecrated wine. This mingling of the two symbolizes the unity of the Body and Blood of Christ. The priest holds the consecrated host over the chalice of consecrated wine and says: Behold the Lamb of God; behold him who takes away the sins of the world. Blessed are those called to the supper of the Lamb. “Of the Lamb” is newly included, but blessed is a replacement for happy. The people respond: Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

Communion Rite Edit

Finally, we have arrived at the good part - eating Jesus.

The priest consumes the host first and then drinks some of the Precious Blood from the chalice. He then gives a host to the deacon, and after he eats it, the priest gives him the chalice to drink. Then the two of them begin to administer Holy Communion to the altar servers and, if needed, to the extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion. Finally, the congregation comes forward and, either standing in a line or kneeling at the altar rail or prie dieux (kneeler for one person), receives first the consecrated host and may also be offered the chalice of Precious Blood (consecrated wine). The minister says, “The Body [or the Blood] of Christ” and the communicant responds, “Amen.”

DON'T CHEW JESUS!!!! (don't touch anything the priest puts in your mouth with your teeth - good general rule to follow).

When you go back to your pew, it is (or was at least for me), customary to keep your head bowed, stay silent, and kneel in silent prayer until the mass resumed.

Prayer after Communion Edit

Now that you've had your wine and bikkie, you gotta stand up again until this is all over. Apparently it aids digestion.

Just as the Opening Prayer begins Mass and the Prayer over the Gifts is in the middle, a Prayer after Communion completes the rite. Each Sunday and holy day has an assigned prayer. It usually ties together the themes mentioned beforehand and asks for divine assistance to live out the Christian life. At the end of the prayer, the people say, “Amen.”

Concluding Rite Edit

FInally, FINALLY........The priest gives the final blessing at the end of the Mass: May Almighty God bless you, the Father ✠, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Then comes the dismissal: Deacon/Priest: Go in Peace [or go forth], the Mass is ended. People: Thanks be to God. On Sundays and holy days, a recessional hymn is usually sung as the priest, deacon, and other ministers process from the sanctuary to the back of the church.__


“In peace, may we GTFO.”

[The priests and deacons bolt for the exit before the terrible preternatural HUNGER for flesh of beasts and birds and creeping things sets in.]

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