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Ems' AwesomenessEdit

0.01

Ems

It's wonder Jesus floating on rocks!

0.07

Joey

That's smoke from all the animals God set on fire.

0.17

Ems

Where's the Little Mermaid penis?

0.25

Joey

Close

0.30

Ems

Man they're some big pistachios

0.34

Joey

And it seems lots of statues

0.36

Ems

Nah, it's obviously a flash mob

0.38

Joey

Even the animals are in on it - wow

0.41

Ems

There's always one idiot who spoils it - good one green robe man and you, ass

0.47

Joey

Who's up for some black jack

0.50

Ems

By the look of that guy's head I think he's a neurosurgeon, not a croupier

0.54

Joey

Jesus H christ - WTF?

0.56

Ems

Yep, lotsa head issues

1.02

Joey

And this guy can't talk

1.04

Ems

(old man voice) Maybe I should have gotten a tailor to sew the buttons back onto my gloves

1.10

someone speaks for the first time

1.11

Joey

Holy shit, scared the crap outta me

1.14

Ems

(old man voice) But I'm Edward Button Hands

1.19

Joey

(please don't take this).......personally, but I don't like you fucking my sheep

1.35

Joey

FAIL

1.40

Joey

Psycho shower scene noises

1.45

Joey

Musical score by Devo

1.47

Ems

I said whip it - whip it good

1.51

Joey

Oh no, wait, it's 50 cent

1.53

Ems

Nope, Kenny Rogers

2.00

Joey

He must be rich. He has an escalator at the front of his house.

2.05

Ems

Taxes are bad unless they aren't!

2.08

Ems

Those kids are creeping me out worse than clowns

2.11

Joey

Well, if you'd said that earlier......

2.14

Ems

Apparently he's poor

2.15

Joey

Really?

2.18

Ems

What a little bitch.

2.21

Joey

What, my sheep?

2.25

Ems

Oh god, shield their virgin eyes

2.26

2.27

2.28

2.29

2.30

Joey

Intimidating.

2.35

Ems

Oh God - I'm serious kids, look away

2.40

Joey

(as Pimpy McTaxes) "Eat THIS instead!"

2.44

Ems

(as jew boy) Why is that old man acting like a priest?

2.48

Joey

he has herpes! (I should know)

2.51

Ems

*riff deleted for time*

2.53

Ems

(as little girl) Ican see plums inside his dress!

2.59

Joey

He's posing for Tunic International

3.04

Ems

The dance of the covetous eyebrows

3.07

Joey

Look at Gollum over there!

3.16

Ems

Tsk, saying his name in vain already

3.30

Joey

WHY U

3.39

Ems

"Jesus!"

3.42

Joey

I think he prefers it if you do that from the rear

3.48

Joey

Like mutating into a higher life form while lying on a beach

3.55

Joey

Feckin', LATEEEEEER

3.58

Ems

*deleted for time*

4.02

Joey

  • as children* "Sinner sinner chicken dinner?"

4.10

Joey

of a bitch this food is good

4.14

Ems

(as lady) They just want some honey from that beehive on your head

4.19

Joey

(as Zac) how much should I STING them for that?

4.27

Ems

(as lady) "No, but he has a lot more wood"

4.30

Joey

well, that's pretty hard to beat

4.39

Ems

Lucky Jericho

4.41

Joey

  • deleted for time*

4.50

Ems

Nah, I was just zinging ya. He's a handstand hobo!

4.56

Joey

(as lady) Christ made me perky!

5.02

Ems

Zac sure has got the shimmy down

5.11

Joey

Hold on, was that a drug deal back there!?

5.16

Ems

Yeeeep

5.31

Ems

(in mum voice) If Jesus told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?

5.34

Joey

Only if I was a posessed pig

5.39

Ems

Wait, give up my treasure NOW so I can have treasure when I'm DEAD? Sounds like a plan.

5.44

Joey

What's wrong with your chiiiin?

5.48

Ems

Kids, butt rubbers the lot o' them.

5.52

Joey

Stop - Hammer time.

6.04

Ems

He's having an affair with Jesus?

6.07

Joey

Must have been the promise of all that wood

6.12 Ems "Insert coin here."
6.20 Joey Aye we be kissing the blarney we do

6.25

Joey

WHOOOOA, MOVEMENT

Ems That's what you can afford when you refrain from taxing holy animation studios
*deleted for time*

6.40

Joey

Who's Anna, and why do they want to hose her?

6.41

6.47

Ems

Nice leopard print

6.51

Joey

MAn past people needed more gossip.

7.00

Ems

How far can these people see anyway? What, are they using binoculars?

7.06

Joey

Is he trying to sniff out Jesus?

7.12

Ems

(deadpan). Wow - a tree.

7.15

Joey

more to the point, HOW is he running

7.19

Ems

lol

Section headingEdit

Zacchaeus Riff



Second half—7:30



[Fat ass on branch]



Joe: Twerk it. TWERK IT.



[Peeking out through the leaves]



Emma: God, they keep having to call in the fire truck for this guy

[Jesus sashaying down the drab landscape]

Joe: Barabas didn't have this swag

[Dude in tree's head back in view]

Emma: NOW we know how he ended up with the beehive.

[Jesus reflected in dude's eye]

Emma: “I see, the only way to escape you is death”

[Praise to be to you, my Lord and my God!]

Joe: Try to spot the disciple playing the synthesizer

Emma: You know, red was the perfect choice of attire if he keeps rubbing himself on that bark like that

Joe: Hey, supposing he were to revolve around the branch and drop to his doom, would that make him a Red, Dead Revolver

Why is he stopping? I dunno. Let's see.

[Jesus opens his eyes really creepily]

Emma: Brother Vinnie there pulled the string at Christ's back

Joe: I can see the holy wings of the dove in his eyebrows

ZeKEEus.

[ZeKEEus starts shining]

Emma: Forsooth! Jesus is granting him a metabolism!

Joe: [immature giggling]

Emma: Good, yes, no more speaking lines out of him

ZeKEEus. Come down quickly. For today, I must stay at your house.

Joe: “You wanna take my tree from me!?”

Emma: [as little girl] “He's so VIRILE. Look at those forearms”

Joe: “Yeah, not like that effete Jesus. Let's follow the guy who climbs trees for fun!”

Emma: [as Jesus] “You know Scripture says your body is like a house...”

You too are a descendant of Abraham.

[obsequious tears]

Joe: “And I'd like to thank the Academy...”

[Jesus mindrapes him]

Emma: Mindrape a-go-go!

Joe: “Aw yeah, eat of my body, MMM”

Emma: Jesus, the supernatural origin of duckface

What's this? Welcome to my house, oh lord. It's a great pleasure that you are coming to my HAWSE.

[giggling]

Joe: “And there'll be third comings, and fourth comings...”

[little girl]

Emma: “Homosexuality is AWESOME”

How hard is it for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of god?

Joe: Spare some wealth for acting lessons, my man

But once I met Jesus, everything changed in my life. What is impossible for human beings, is possible for God.

Emma: [robotic] “I used to be a tax collector, now life has changed. Now I pass collection plate.”

Praise be to you our lord and our blah. It's blah blah blah house.

Joe: “I LOOK like House.”

Emma: [giggling] What the fuck did they spike in his morning fig juice

[Jesus looks at surroundings, then at viewer dumbly]

Joe: [giggling]

How can he act like this? He is going to be a guest of one who is a sinner!

Joe: “Okay, this is how we take Prussia.”

Emma: I feel like we're stuck in a hidden object game

Joe: The tension is killing me, when does he start eating everyone?

ZeKEEus, no servant can serve two masters, You will either hate one and love the other, or devote yourself to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

Emma: “Your first task is to supply funding for our next megachurch. Lose the beard, you remind The Base of Osama.”

Joe: Jesus will teach him to serve the only legitimate masters, cock and balls

Emma: He's going to dissolve all his money through ceaselessly blubbering over it

Joe: I'm just waiting for the perfect epiphany where his scalp explodes like a volcano

Emma: Thankfully, Jesus made an exception to the “give the shirt off your back” rule in this one case.

[audience of brazenly copypasted people]

Joe: And the clip-art clones MULTIPLY

Emma: Man did it not take long for the inbreeding to kick in

[Flashback sequence]

Joe: Jesus Is My Botox: The Incredible True Story

Emma: Starring Brian Blessed as Zacchaeus, and Steve Buscemi as Jesus

Joe: I feel like the animators farmed the work to a pool of elementary school kids doing up their coloring books

[I am sorry for what I have done]

Joe: “I'm sorry, I don't see DOLLAR BILLS coming out of that big fucking mouth.”

[Trinket received]

Emma: “What the fuck is this, shit ain't good enough to hang off my doorknob.”

Joe: I don't know what's possessing Zacchaeus's forehead muscles but it's not of heavenly origin

Emma: And the whole district was rendered without speech when the voice actors peeked into their envelopes and saw their comp

[Please, take this! I am sorry.]

Joe: “Awesome, always wanted to be a tax collector!”

[audience shot]

Emma: Don't these guys have jobs or...?

[This is TRULY an eternal happiness!]

Gigglefit

[Yes, what is impossible for human beings, is possible for god!]

Joe: And God can be yours if the Price Is Right!

[child's strange simian arms]

Emma: Invisible guardrails

[Please give us something to eat. Come and take anything from my house!]

Joe: Beeline for the absinthe

Emma: “But sir, what about the meth coating literally everything?”

[Lord, I will give half of my possessions to the poor. I will blah blah pay back four times as much.]

Joe: “Great, now I have to die four times for your shitty fucking sins just to keep on top.”

Emma: Where do I get in line to get defrauded by him?

Joe: Perhaps you can construct an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine that makes it so that every time Zacchaeus causes a mini-brush fire on his pubes rubbing himself against a tree branch, it causes a chain reaction that flings a dollar in your pocket into his unwitting hands, thereby forcing him to pay you back 4 dollars.

Emma: That sounds like a lot of effort. Why don't I just rob his bloody form?

Joe: Doesn't janking his shit just make them all greedy little imps

Emma: Maybe they can finally find the cure to their chronic epidemic of Neck Immobility

[Today, salvation has come to this house. Because blah blah son of man blah blah save the lost]

Joe: “What about the Son of Sam?”

Emma: “Yeah huh, when do we get more gold shittoons?”

[Praise be to you, my lord and my god, I am now wealthier! You are now my wealth, my lord and my god!]

Joe; “I get that a lot.”

Emma: “Now Zacchaeus, are you ready for your makeover?”

[Seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness. Blah blah new world a new Jerusalem]

Joe: A new solar system, a new plague of strife, a new CAR

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